One time in a class discussion I was leading, a conversation between two students started to get heated. They had opposing views: specifically, one student very much identified as a feminist and the other student did not. But I simply said that there were tradeoffs with both of their views. On one side, they would lose some nuance about unique, person and individual experience. On the other side, they would lose being able to look at and figure out solutions to systemic problems. It wasn’t that one person was right, and one person was wrong, but that they had different possible solutions to the same problem. Both were valid and might work, and both involved both some tradeoffs and different prioritizations.

But when I read things on the internet, I don’t often hear the sort of language. Mostly, I hear people telling others to pick one side or the other and that there is nothing good on the other side. I have heard this in many different discourses: politics the most strongly, but also in workplace, religious, and other environments as well.

Some problematic examples:

• We should not trust experts who came from an elite, problematic academic setting.
• Anyone who is pro-Palestinian is also antisemitic; anyone who is pro-choice is pro-abortion; anyone who is pro-LGBTQ rights is anti-family; anyone who is anti-racist is anti-white.
• If you are a member of a certain church, you are part of a cult and have been subject to brainwashing.
• MLMs are evil and anyone associated with them should be avoided.
• If you are crunchy, you are also anti-vax and part of the alt-right pipeline.
• Homeschooling is the only right way to raise your kids. -or- Homeschooling is child abuse.

The opposite of some of those views can also be problematic.

There is a lot of rhetoric that is simply “anti-” right now. Anti lots of different things, on all sides of the spectrum. But maybe we should just be anti-extreme? Maybe we should focus more on being good people instead of arguing and vilifying others?

I have a professor who gave some really good advice: until you understand the appeal of a different viewpoint, you can’t really argue against it. You have to understand enough that you can see why people think that way and that it makes sense. And then you can argue against that view.

I remember listening to a student who was arguing against a specific viewpoint, but did not yet understand it. That viewpoint seemed almost nonsensical to them, so it was easy to argue against it. But I knew and had talked to a professional who worked in that area, I realized that the student’s formulation was simply incorrect. They had completely missed this whole piece of the puzzle.

Not understanding other people and other views quickly leads to extremism. Extremism is not simply holding an extreme view, but thinking that any other view is incorrect, evil, or something to be feared.

Sometimes, when someone holds a reasonable view, they can get attacked by those who disagree with them. This sort of attack usually doesn’t lead to a change of a views, but to doubling down, moving to a more extreme side, and sometimes engaging in hate and bullying behavior.

We need to return to a better understanding of one another. I have my own views and my own opinions, but usually things are so nuanced and complicated. There are problematic views and solutions that don’t work very well, but there’s very rarely only one side of an issue and only one solution that would work. Even if truth is simple, life is still complicated.

There are good things that I am going to stand up for: I believe in compassion and care to individuals. I believe that we should support those who are struggling and need help. I believe that we should often refrain for judgment and get to know people first. I believe that the world needs to be improved, and that we should work on creating value and solving problems.

I believe that sometimes, I don’t understand an issue, and that I should spend more time listening.

I have tried to avoid snark and judgmental rhetoric that, while entertaining, is not uplifting or useful. I have tried to view sources and news stories that give multiple sides to an issue. I have tried to remember that things can get complicated and people make mistakes.

I want to see more respect in our rhetoric, a movement away from extreme views and towards more kindness to each other. We won’t always get it right, but we can keep trying.