Category: my life

Lots to Do

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I was talking to fellow grad students one day, and some of them are basically dedicating all of their time to grad school, with a little bit of fun and enjoyment thrown in there.

That’s not me right me.

I go to graduate school, but I have another job too. I am a parent.

Today, I had a lot of things to deal with. I tried to teach one child gratitude, another one better social skills. I helped with piano practice. I checked in on homework. I managed media time, locking up devices and turning things on and off as needed. I cooked dinner, and then made sure that the kids who didn’t want to eat that dinner still ended up eating something nutritious instead of just scarfing down tortilla chips. I baked cookies with my daughter, using the library book she checked out from the school library, and we successfully made a sugar cookie bowl. I played a card game with my son. I drove another daughter to a church activity. I ordered groceries for pick-up tomorrow. I ordered a new wifi adapter for the kids’ computer. I checked in with a kid who has started a journal and he showed me his entry. I washed sheets and I made beds and ensured that my kids showered and brushed their teeth.

And then I also was struggling with a dissertation problem, trying to figure out how to hold two views at the same time when one leaned pluralist and one leaned monist. I think I came up with a solution. I updated the settings for an assignment for my class and post an announcement about an upcoming due date. And I finished reading a book.

In all of these happenings all throughout the day, I kept feeling that I wasn’t doing enough. I did not get a lot of schoolwork done today. I watched cooking shows (one while I was exercising, so that barely counts). I didn’t get all my cleaning done. I could have done more.

But I need to be more kind to myself. Because I am doing a lot, even in all of the chaos of my life. All the care work that I do for my children is unpaid and unrecognized. But it’s still really important, and I’m going to keep at it. I’m going to keep trying, and give myself credit that I am doing a lot, and it is enough.

Life is Not Linear

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At some point in my life, I will have already completed my most important work. I will have had the happiest time.At some point, I will lose friends faster than I can make friends. I will have have been on top of the mountain and I only be able to go downwards.

And then what?

Life has many different seasons. It is not a linear progression upward, but a combination of lots of different things at lots of different times. We have seasons of productivity, success, and stability. But there other seasons of life: Rest. Decline. Struggle.

I get really frustrated with life when I want this linear progression upward. Every day better than the last. Every moment better, better, better. But it isn’t. That’s not how life works.

There are ups and down, but there are also things that are mixed up together, ups and downs at the same time.

I can be grateful for those moments that are really good, while also realized that I don’t have to keep chasing them. I can live in the season I am in, instead of just always wanting better.

The harder seasons are still really good. There are times when I’m not very productive, when I am behind, when I’m not really that happy. But that’s okay. There is still love in those seasons. There is still those small moments of joy, and it’s okay that they are small.

Life doesn’t have to progress upward in order for it to be good.

Ups and Downs Summer

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Hello. It’s been a while.

Summer mornings creep in early with promises of sunshine and laughter. The sun creeps up early, ready to go and move. But by afternoon, the clouds have rolled in, and the thunder starts, and it randomly pours onto everything we’ve left outside in the promise of sunshine. By the evening, there is a glimmer of hope again as the clouds part enough for a beautiful sunset, but I am so tired.

I sometimes feel more like the thunder than the sunshine, though there are so many sunshine moments anyways.

This summer has been busy: I’m teaching an online class. I’m taking care of four children and lots of animals. I have yard work and a garden. And a garage addition (though I haven’t done that much with it).

And we like to go and do things: hiking, kayaking, canoeing, parks, splash pads, cousins, lemonade stands, museums, swimming, etc.

There is not enough time and too much time. And I am grateful for what time I do have, even through the ups and downs.

Some Favorites from 2023

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Places: Goblin Valley and Disneyland. I love Goblin Valley and we ended up going there twice this year, and it was loads of fun to walk around and explore. But Disneyland is magical, even if it is this weirdly artificial sort of magic, and I’m glad we went.

Discovery: Laziness is okay. It’s okay to not get things done all the time or not to complete assignments when they aren’t really required or to clean your house when you feel like it. I still also value working hard and not squandering away my time, but I don’t always need to be working.

TV: Strange New Worlds. I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek, but Strange New Worlds was the most fun.

Song: Anna Lapwood’s adaptation of Test Drive from How to Train Your Dragon. Not only do I love to hear Anna Lapwood play this, but she published sheet music and I’m trying to learn it.

Movie: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Across the Spider-Verse.

Book Series: The Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion by Beth Brower. I read all of the published books this year and look forward to reading them for years to come.

Fiction book: Left-Handed Booksellers of London by Garth Nix. This was very enjoyable and good fun. I enjoyed the sequel as well.

Self-help book: The Upside of Stress by Kelly McGonigal. Life needs to be a bit stressful. Did a video lecture on this for a teaching assistant assignment.

General nonfiction: Being Mortal by Atul Gawande and The In-Between by Hadley Vlahos These were great books to read together, both a combination of personal experiences and learning about the end of life.

Philosophy books: Choosing Well by Chrisoula Andreou and The Tyranny of Merit by Michael Sandel.

Functional purchase: My desk and office chair.

Most fun purchase: An incubator, since we got baby ducks out of it.

Surprising purchase: Running shoes. I didn’t think I ever would like running, but I ran a 5k and 10k this year.

Podcast: Lateral with Tom Scott. I don’t usually like podcasts, but I love this one.

Ideas/research: I really like learning about narrative economics, intrinsic motivation, self-sacrificing altruism, and self-interest.

YouTube channel: How to Cook That. Consistently great videos that I always look forward to.

Project: Finishing my home renovation.

Going down another path

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About a year and a half ago, I was looking down two different paths of life. One was writing. Specifically, writing inspirational nonfiction. I had written the book. I had the ideas for another book in my head. So I went to a workshop to get better. I learned. I kept editing one book and outlining the other. I thought I could do this, if I kept working hard and improving and learning. I have always wanted to write and publish books.

I was networking with people and following social media accounts where people shared wonderful things. Sometimes they shared how they felt called to speak and write, and then success came. I wanted to feel that way too, but I didn’t.

There was a second path. I applied to graduate school, in philosophy, at only one school. They only let in a few people. And I was waitlisted first. I wasn’t sure I would get in at all. But I also felt it was the right path for me.

I’ve really wanted to be successful in certain ways: like having people read my blog, or read my books, or follow me on social media. I wanted to get things published and out there for people to see. But that never happened.

The second nonfiction book I outlined is called The Joy of a Simple Life. It’s about how success and failure often need to be reframed. Helping others in a small sphere of influence is a good and successful. Even if that means you’re a mom spending all the time on your kids. Or a teacher, spending hours just so a person can understand what a metaphor is. Or a neighbor, patiently checking in with your friend. Those things matter. Those things matter more than the big things that we put labels of success on.

I recently got a rejection letter for my book. It was expected, but it did finally close that chapter of my life. I still love writing, but I also am starting to really love teaching and education even more.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get a book published. I still want to. But that isn’t really what success looks like for me anymore. I think the more important work I do is interacting with individuals. It’s small and simple, but small and simple is the best kind of impact I can have.

Start of summer and reflections on graduate school

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I love summer. I’m back to being a full-time parent right now. We are busy as a family: birthdays, rodeos, going to state and national parks, swim lessons, rock climbing lessons, piano lessons, family reunions, camping trips, building a deck, etc.

I’m not required to work on any schoolwork this summer. But I find myself feeling like I should be writing papers and doing research.

I heard something recently from a podcast talking about what grad students wish they’d known about doing their PhD. When you’re a PhD student, you are working on your PhD. You get to decide what that looks like. But it’s really easy to do the research and the work that you think you are supposed to do, instead of the research and work that you really want to do.

Right now, my plan is not to continue working in academic research beyond my PhD program. I’m not looking for a tenure-track research job. I want teaching and educating to be a bigger focus, and when I do research and write things on my own time, I would prefer to write to a different audience than one that is purely academic.

I could worry about getting lots of publications. I could worry about going to lots of conferences. I could worry about building a longer and longer C.V. But that only enables me to get jobs that I’m not necessarily interested in.

People ask me what I want to do with my PhD. I usually say I want to teach college classes, which is accurate, but more importantly, I am getting a PhD because I want to get a PhD for its own sake. I want to complete a dissertation. I want to be a teaching assistant and teach my own classes. I want to write academic papers while in graduate school. But then I’ll graduate (hopefully) and do something different.

When you’re in the academic world, it is so incredibly competitive. Publishing is very competitive. Jobs are very competitive. But it’s okay if I’m not at the top of my program. I don’t necessarily need to enter myself into the competition. Other people can win awards and publish papers–and I can figure out what I want my PhD to look like. I can focus more on what I want to do and what would be the most meaningful work–within the constraints and requirements of getting a PhD.

That’s not to say that I can do whatever I want. I do have requirements I need to complete. I do want to do work that is helpful to other people. And if a graduate student does want a tenure-track job in philosophy, they probably do need to do a lot of research and get published and win awards. But I don’t need to impose restraints and requirements on myself that don’t exist and won’t actually help me with my long-term goals.

So here are some questions I can ask myself when determining what to do with my time:

  • Is this required?
  • Do I really want to do it? Why?
  • Is this meaningful or helpful to others? How?
  • Will this help me with my long-term goals or values?

If the answer is no to all of those questions, I should focus on something else.

3 Lessons in balance

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1. If you eat the frog first, you may not have energy to do anything else. So do the smallest, most important things first. Sometimes I just want to get something done, but I am happier when I exercise, read scriptures, eat breakfast, spend a bit of time with my kids and my husband before I get started on my to-do list.

2. “I can’t be intentional if I’m wasting my bandwidth on thinking about what people might be thinking about me” (Dillon Hoyt).

3. Setting boundaries includes taking time to care for others, time to care for yourself, time to spend with the people you love, time to focus on work, time to move your body, time to cook and eat, time to be outside, time to create–and only one thing at a time. I have a big project due soon, but I’ve had to set the hours in which I’m going to complete the project. I don’t want it to take over my whole life.

Heather plays chess with her son

2022 In Review

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I feel so blessed this year in so many ways. It was just a good year. I’ve had a lot of hard years to get to this point, so I feel so grateful. A lot of things I was working towards for so long have been realized in amazing ways. I own a home. I am building a career now. My kids are older and much more self-sufficient. Life changes–and sometimes it gets better.

I started graduate school this year. I always wanted to get a PhD, but it more seemed like a dream, not something that would actually happen. And now I am in a program, starting my research. I feel incredibly lucky that things worked out–that I ended up in a place where I could do this.

We are almost done with our home renovation. We actually finished rooms this year. Lots of rooms. Bathrooms. Laundry rooms. Toy rooms. Office. Bedrooms. Living rooms (except for the ceiling). We are really close to finishing and I LOVE my home now. It’s the first time I really feel like I have my own home. We also worked a lot on the yard–doing an in-ground trampoline and a clubhouse.

I did the Proper Mountain Woman Club for the summer and it was life changing for me. I usually just set goals based on what I want to get done or think that I should do, and they often feel like an obligation. But this was a program where I did things just to do the things. It changed how I set goals and thought about my own progress. I became more well-rounded by recognizing the good I was already doing and being able to try and explore new things. I now do a Discord server with my sister where we share our goals and accomplishments with each other. Being able to share and recognize the accomplishment of small goals has really led me to be a lot happier.

We had a lot of fun as a family this year. We went on a vacation to the woods and the beach, but we also did a lot of hikes and adventures–going to a baseball game, trampoline park, corn maze, swimming, camping etc. My favorite moments in the whole world are being outside with my kids and my husband, whether we are throwing snowballs at each other, climbing rocks, exploring somewhere new, sledding, swimming, building a fire–those small moments are simply the best.

And I loved going backpacking for the first time in a long time. And snowshoeing. And climbing mountains (well, most of a mountain). We even went tubing down a river and hiked through a cave. And we have a new cat and a new turtle.

I made a lot of new friends, from a writing group, a writing workshop, going to school, and the parents of my kids’ friends as well. All those new relationships mean a lot to me.

I improved as a person, in getting better habits. I did weekly piano lessons with my kids, for example. And with the added structure of going to school, my mental health improved a lot. I found better boundaries between my family life and my own career.

The small moments are often the best moments. Recognize the good you do in your life. Write it down! Share it with others!

I celebrated my life more this year, and it led to a great deal of happiness for me and my family.

(I do have many lovely pictures of my kids too, but I try to keep them a bit more private.)

Changes

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School starts tomorrow for most of my kids. I need to go fold laundry so that they can find what they want to wear, though I think they may have sorted through the laundry already.

This doesn’t feel that different: we just fall back into the old routine that we had a few months ago. I wake up at 6:30, get my daughter on the bus, come back and get the other kids ready.

But then something new happens. I’m going to school too now.

I am excited about it. I’m excited to connect with other people. To have time where I can exist outside of my home and my kids, and to be able to grow and learn, and then come home and share a bit with my children. They probably won’t ever care. My daughter said that all my books were boring and were about algebra or something. Philosophy isn’t math, and she sort of knows that, but she just categorizes everything she considers hard and boring together.

My daughter isn’t like me in some ways. She’s outgoing; I was very shy. She love cartwheels and handstands; I could never do one in my life. But we both love reading, even though she likes more adventuresome books than I do. I love watching her simply be herself.

I will come home every night after school to my somewhat unfinished home, to my children and my husband. I’ve never come home before like that. I’ve always just been home. And I think I’ll like coming home.

Also, I am including an interesting picture. It is of me holding a goose in a bathroom. I was on my computer in the evening and I looked up to see a goose staring back at me. We have a magnetic screen door, and Amelia figured out how to get inside. I had to pick her up and take her back out and shut the door, but she and Abigail still really wanted to come back in. The duck was in the pond, quacking and being sensible.

Studying philosophy

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Starting in August 2022, I will be studying philosophy as a PhD student at the University of Utah.

How did I get here? When I went back to school back around 2018, I knew I wanted to go to graduate school, but I didn’t think I wanted to study English and philosophy, which were my first majors. I went and got an economics degree, with the intention of eventually going to graduate school in economics. Getting a graduate degree in economics can be very lucrative and leads to lots of opportunities.

For a while, I didn’t consider graduate school in philosophy–mostly because of money and prestige. Studying philosophy in graduate school prepares you for one job: a philosopher professor. That is a highly competitive job, as there are more PhDs than there are professor positions.

I knew I wanted to do two things in my career: teach college classes and write and publish books. And one day, I asked myself: if what other people thought of me didn’t matter and if money didn’t matter, what did I really want to study?

I loved studying philosophy in college. Even when I was getting an economics degree, I found myself reading and thinking about the intersection of philosophy, economics, and psychology.

So here I am, studying philosophy. I’ll be able to teach college classes and write and publish books. And I’m excited for the opportunity to learn along the way.

A while ago, I wrote my first nonfiction book. I’ve been revising that and trying to figure out how to publish and market books. I’ve learned to treat my online presence more as a brand, and I’ve been trying to figure out what that looks like for me.

I’ve been blogging since 2007, and started out sharing about my life, my family, random thoughts, and some book reviews. I didn’t really think about an audience until 2018, when I started this blog to write essays for other people to read. I’ve blogged about whatever I was learning and figuring out. But I know if I want to build up a following, I have to somehow focus my brand.

In my head, I had two separate things I do: I write inspirational things one one hand, and then I learn about economics and philosophy and whatever interests me on the other. But recently, I’ve been wanting to make those two things come together. Because the things I learn in my studies also often help me in my life–they help me form better beliefs, understand other people, and make better decisions.

So I’m going to press forward and keep trying to build up my online presence in a positive way, sharing what I think might be helpful to you. I write to people who are like me–moms who love to learn and are continually striving to live better. And to everyone else who is interested in practical advice that comes from an intersection of faith, philosophy, inspiration, economics, and human behavior.