So I’ve recently heard of the idea of “pathological altruism”: engaging in altruist acts that are actually harmful. While that category is quite broad, part of it includes people self-sacrificing in order to help others to the point that they face extreme burnout and harm to their health and well-being.
Why is that bad?
I think it can be laudable to sacrifice, even to the point where it hurts you. Many people sacrifice their lives, basically everything they have, in order to help others. I have deep respect and admiration for those people. I want to be more like that.
We don’t want people to sacrifice for us. We don’t like to see others suffer. We say that they need to take care of themselves first.
But if someone dedicates their life to others, they take care of themselves only as a means to other ends. The bad thing about burnout is it means you can’t help other people anymore.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t need to be a priority. It’s just a helpful thing to do so that you can take care of others.
And that means that if you dedicate yourself to help, it will hurt sometimes. It will mean long hours and exhausting days. It can be difficult and hard.
Nights without sleep helping children. Coming home hungry after a long time at work. Talking to someone in a crisis and crying in empathy. Dropping everything and driving hours and hours because they need you. Looking at an almost empty bank account and donating anyway.
Those are not problematic moments. They are sacred.
I think I figured out what I want to write my dissertation on: it’s somewhat focused on self-interest, but also on altruism. I’m really curious about if we need to be self-interested or not. Do we need to take care of ourselves? Is it necessary that we worry about our own well-being? What about the people that sacrifice so much for the service of others?
Christmas time has always been a time of service for me. Sometimes I feel weird about it–I’m buying presents for my kids and spending so much money on my own family–but I also want to help other people too. I hear of some people who give all their Christmas money to others, while I find myself giving my children more presents than they really need (or even perhaps want). I wonder if I could be doing more good.
We visit Giving Machines. We contribute to charities. We take tags off the Giving Tree in the elementary school lobby and I have my kids pick out presents for others. I look at service projects in my community and try to sign up–play the piano at a hospital, clean up after an event, volunteer at the food pantry, make blankets.
And then my kids get sick and I have to cancel half of the things I volunteered for so I can stay home and take care of them. I feel conflicted about what is self-interested and what is serving others: did I volunteer just so I felt good about myself? Or because I felt it as a duty, but I didn’t really want to do it? Or did I genuinely care about someone besides myself?
I worry sometimes about the impacts I have on others. I have the biggest impact on my own children. I want them to learn to look outward. I make cookies and bring them to neighbors. I send out Christmas cards, but I am afraid I have forgotten people. I go and visit elderly friends and tell them I will return to visit another time because the visit is never long enough.
I tell my daughter that happiness comes in the service of others. But I don’t think I serve other people in order for me to feel happy. Instead, I serve them because I want them to be happy. And my own happiness comes as a by-product. It may be impossible to make someone else happy without making yourself happy as well.
How much do I need to give? How much do I want to give?
I look at the holiday displays people make and I wonder for a moment if all that money could have been given to charity instead. Yet, if everyone did that, we would not have the light filling up the dark space of December. And I love Christmas lights.
Perhaps there is simply enough to do all of it–to give presents to my children, to donate to charity, to help other people, to enjoy the twinkling colorful lights. Perhaps our time and money are not as scarce as we sometimes believe, and there is more than enough.
But that isn’t quite right, because sacrifice is necessary. Sacrifice is praiseworthy and good and beautiful.
I remember all the stories in my life about sacrifice: My grandma sewing clothes for my mom and surprising her during a meager year. My mom searching to give me a Furby, despite the fact that they are sold out everywhere. My husband buys a friend his only Christmas presents of the year, and even though it is a simple fruit cake, they share it gladly.
When there is scarcity, people give in service to others, even though it requires sacrifice. They prioritize others about themselves. And that is right. That is light.
I hear people on Instagram telling me that I should prioritize myself at Christmastime. That I can ask for presents and spend time for myself. But I don’t want to. I want to connect with others so much more than I ever want to receive for myself.
That connection means that I do receive: I am invited, included. Others wrap presents for me and put them under the tree because they love me. And I receive that with gratitude.
No moment of my life is about myself. It is always about someone else, above giving and serving and helping and maybe, maybe making someone else’s life just a little bit better. Whenever I have pursued my own self-interest just because of my own selfish desires (and it happens more frequently than I want to admit), it has drained my life of purpose and led to unhappiness.
The light that shines in the darkness is that we love each other, and that we are loved. We celebrate Jesus Christ who loved us so much that he gave everything to us. In ever gift I give and receive, I remember the greatest gift, a light to the world.
Heather Hoyt 