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  • 7. How do I stop wasting time?

    7. How do I stop wasting time?

    According to an app that I use, I spent almost 6 hours one week on Google. I spent 3 hours 15 minutes on Netflix. I spent 3 hours on Gmail. And I spent another 3 hours on YouTube. I spent less time on Facebook, as I have been checking it once a week (which is completely sufficient).

    But 6 hours searching for things on the internet? I don’t know if that is totally accurate, but I do spend too much time looking up what randomly comes into my brain. I am sure that some of my searches are productive, but many of them are not.

    I often will stop one method of wasting time only to fill it up with another one. I stop checking Facebook only to look at the news more often. I stop watching Netflix only to watch more YouTube.

    I don’t want to waste time, but I persist.

    (Most of this discussion has been wasting time by staring at a screen–but this is not the only way I waste time. I recently spent 10 hours reading a book that I had already read before, and I don’t see how that’s much better than watching 10 hours of movies.)

    I get distracted very easily sometimes. I do things that are easy and fun, instead of taking the time and effort to focus and work hard.

    So how do I focus? How do I prioritize?

    • Planning what I want to do in a day and when I want to do it.
    • Get out of the house and change my location.
    • Keep trying even when I get distracted, and bring myself back to focusing again.
    • Fill up my life with enough good things to do that I don’t have time and energy to sit there and be bored.
    • Use routines so that I know what to do next instead of constantly trying to figure it out.
    • Block of certain hours for focus and certain times for leisure.
    • Review my goals, values, and commitments regularly.
    • Get enough sleep, exercise, eat, and drink water.
    • Take breaks by getting off the computer when I’ve been on it for a while.
    • Track my time so I have to be accountable for where the minutes go.
    • Have lots of good things to do that I really enjoy doing and want to do.

    Any other suggestions that help you?

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  • 6. Are skunks dangerous?

    6. Are skunks dangerous?

    We heard scratching noises. We had always wondered if a skunk was going to fall down into the window well, and it turns out, a young skunk had fallen down into the window well. When it saw us, it hid in a cardboard box that the kids had left there.

    Dillon put a board down so it could crawl out, and we went to sleep. The next morning, I went out to see if it had climbed out. I knew it may still be in the box, but I thought it had climbed out already. I got into the window well, picked up the box, and stuck it up on the ground.

    The young skunk was still in the box. And it eventually crawled out and wandered away, quite unconcerned about everything that had happened.

    I have been quite close to skunks recently. I’ve also been close to a chipmunk (it ran into our house and I trapped it so it could go outside) and a fawn (it got stuck in our fence, but when we got close to it, it finally pulled itself free). But the skunks are different: they haven’t seemed to care much that I was there.

    I was afraid of skunks like many people are, because skunks smell horrible. But I’ve never heard of a skunk spraying a person: only dogs and cars.

    People still hate them: I once was walking past my neighbors house and I heard a commotion. She was yelling something and brandishing a broom, and I realized that he was trying to get a mother skunk with three young skunks off of her porch. And the skunks did eventually run away (though not very quickly).

    One time, we had a skunk wander onto our deck while we were sitting there. It barely noticed us, and went on its way. Skunks can’t see very well (though they can hear and smell), so they can be a bit oblivious of what is going on around them.

    From a skunk’s point of view, humans are deadly: we run over skunks all the time with our cars, and then people often trap and shoot skunks because they hate the idea of them.

    But skunks aren’t dangerous to us: they aren’t aggressive. They give lots of warming before they spray–it’s a defense mechanism, not a weapon. And the spray isn’t poisonous; it’s just unpleasant. About the worst thing that they do is spray dogs, and that’s sort of the dogs’ fault.

    Skunks aren’t the enemy here.

  • 5. What is certain?

    There was one time when I met someone new and I was certain that I had met her before. Eventually, I realized that I had seen her in a Zoom call, so her face was sort of familiar, but we had never actually met.

    Brains can be weird. I have feelings that accompany thoughts, and these feelings of uncertainty or familiarity or fear help me make good decisions. I needs those emotions in order to act rationally.

    But certainty is odd: it can function as an emotion, but it’s fallible. Even if I feel absolutely certain of something, that doesn’t necessarily make it true. I can misremember things. I can have an incomplete understanding. I might simply be wrong, no matter how certain I feel. (Certainty might also be thought of as a statistical principle, similar to confidence.)

    I really hate uncertainty. I like to assume I know things that I really don’t. I jump to conclusions and run away from uncertainty as quickly as I can.

    So what is actually certain in life? I know I exist and that my family exists and the world exists; I am certain about what I see and hear and feel. I am certain about many ideas that I have learned over the years.

    But I think I could doubt everything in my existence if I really wanted to and be uncertain about everything.

    So maybe being certain is just making a leap of faith based on fundamental assumptions so that I can keep making decisions in life. Certainty is merely convenient and useful: it helps lead to efficiency so that I can process the world and act quickly.

    (Some of these thoughts came from reading The Tale of the Dueling Neurosurgeons: The History of the Human Brain as Revealed by True Stories of Trauma, Madness, and Recovery by Sam Kean.)

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  • 4. What I am committed to?

    4. What I am committed to?

    What have I already committed to in my life?

    • I was married and I will spend my life and eternity with my husband, Dillon.
    • I got pregnant and will take care of my children for as long as they need me to.
    • I was baptized and promised to believe in God and follow his commandments.
    • I said I would write 150 blog posts between now and the end of the year.
    • I signed up to take the GRE test in September.
    • I reserved places to stay for my summer vacation.
    • I got a building permit to renovate my house.
    • And I have committed to try the best I can to become a better person. That means working on goals that improve my spiritual, physical, mental, and social areas of my life.

    Sometimes commitment is hard, because things are scary and life can get difficult. Commitment means that I keep going, even when it is crazy difficult and life is uncertain.

    Real commitment means that there is no need for a cancellation plan. When I more fully commit, I lock the escape door, get rid of the fire escape, and tear apart the life boats. I’m going down with the ship, even if it burns. I have no thought of escape; I am committed throughout it all.

    I had ancestors that were so committed to what they believed that they gave their lives for it.

    When things get hard, commitment means that I keep going anyway. That I just don’t agree to something when it is easy, but I agree when it hurts. I don’t quit; I don’t give up; I stay true to that which I value.

  • 3. What does sacred mean?

    3. What does sacred mean?

    I’ve been thinking of the word sacred a lot lately. My oldest son was baptized today, and that moment was sacred, an overwhelming feeling of joy and importance rolled up together.

    There are many times in my life where I have felt that something was sacred. Some of it has been religious moments: in the temple, in church meetings, or during personal scripture study. But there have been lots of other moments too.

    Going to the mountains. Christmas morning feels sacred. The births of my children. Moments when I closely connect with someone else. Service to others. Funerals. Weddings.

    Maybe that feeling of sacredness is being able to connect with something divine for just a moment. And it’s so easy to pollute that with everything else going on in my life.

    blossoms in water

  • 2. Is it better to focus on one thing or many things?

    I have a lot going on in my life: my main job is to take care of my four children,. But then I’m also trying to take care of my house and my yard and work on our renovation.

    In our renovation, we have a lot of projects going on at the same time. We’re doing our bathroom and our electrical and trying to figure out flooring.

    I’m also working on a data science class, editing a book I wrote, writing this blog, doing a free online philosophy class, and preparing for the GRE. (And I spent a lot of time today reading a book.)

    Would it be better if I just focused on one thing?

    I know switching focus takes a lot of time, so it seems to be more efficient if I just completed something before adding in other projects.

    On the other hand, I get bored easily. When I’m working on lots of different things, it feels like I’m getting more done.

    I don’t have an answer to this. Any thoughts?

  • 1. Why do we care about happiness?

    1. Why do we care about happiness?

    Happiness is one out of many positive emotions. In Brené Brown’s list of core emotions, she lists good emotions such as belonging, empathy, excited, gratitude, curious, joy, love, and surprised. But even feelings that I don’t like can bring positive moments into my life: anger can lead to action; anxiety can lead to safety; grief comes from love.

    Psychologist Daniel Kahneman mentions that we don’t really want to be happy–we want to be satisfied with our lives. Happiness can be fleeting, but satisfaction lasts a whole lot longer and is built from goals and hard work. We work and live more to be satisfied, not to be happy.

    Yet in many conversations with others and in my own thought patterns, I am often dwelling on happiness. Am I happy? Is someone I love happy? But if happiness is fleeting, how is that a good measure of my life being in a positive space?

    I felt happy yesterday. We went up into the mountains and I was canoeing around on a lake surrounded by evergreen trees, racing the sun as it slowly slipped behind the mountain. I assembled fishing poles for my children and watched the video Dillon had taken of the fish that almost landed in the canoe.

    That was happy. But the happiness didn’t last forever. I can’t have moments like that my whole life–and I don’t want to. This morning, I sat and worked on studying and learning and writing–and those things don’t directly bring me happiness, but I like that I do them.

    Lori Gottlieb mentions that people can change their life by changing the stories they tell themselves. So if I change my story so that I’m not always dwelling on happiness and searching after happiness, maybe I would become more satisfied with my life, more able to pursue what I really value.

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  • 150 Questions: Introduction

    Almost every day from July 1 until the end of 2021, I am going to present one question on this blog. The question may or may not have answers; the answers may or may not be more important than the question.

    Some of the questions will be thought-provoking; some light-hearted; some will bring clarity; some might be confusing. You can find them by scrolling down.

    You can expect questions on subjects such as life, productivity, time management, parenting, motherhood, economics, philosophy, reading, religion, spirituality, learning, mistakes, failures, and more.

    And you are also encouraged to come up with your own answers and ask your own questions as we do this together.

    Please comment below if you are coming on this journey with me.

    You can also sign up to follow along here:

  • How to Take a Break

    I’m not good at taking breaks. I’m good at getting really exhausted and then checking social media, but that is the worst way to take breaks.

    My friend Amy recently told me that she doesn’t let her car get under a half tank. She wants to be prepared. And then she said, “Why can’t we do that for ourselves?” If we can manage to keep our vehicles full of fuel, we can also work to keep ourselves fueled and ready to go.

    Which means we need to take breaks. And not breaks when we’ve become exhausted and empty–instead, we need breaks when we’re half-empty, before we’re exhausted.

    But some breaks that I take are just horrible: Checking social media. Looking at the news and pandemic trends. Watching YouTube videos. Staring mindlessly at a computer screen is not a good break: it doesn’t replenish me and makes me feel more drained.

    Here are some ideas on how to take a real break that can actually give our minds and bodies the rest we need and invigorate us to keep going:

    • Exercise.
    • Go for a walk.
    • Go outside.
    • Read a book.
    • Talk to a friend.
    • Play with a child.
    • Do a small act of service.
    • Say a prayer.
    • Sit in silence.
    • Meditate.
    • Say something you’re grateful for.
    • Eat a snack. Preferably a somewhat healthy one.
    • Drink some water.
    • Clean up. Even doing a tiny bit can help.
    • Sit there and do nothing (but don’t look at a screen).

    Sometimes taking a break is difficult. I have a hard time changing my focus and I want to just get stuff done. But it’s not efficient to get stuff done by working and working until I’m overly exhausted and I can’t do anything else.

    I’m going to keep working on taking breaks–the right sort of breaks that will help me feel happier, energized, and live the life I want to live.

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  • Mind Reading

    I thought she wanted to be left alone, so I did. And because I left her alone, she thought I wanted to be left alone. And we almost missed a friendship. . . .

    I thought they were concerned about germs, so I kept my distance when we were sick. And then they thought I was concerned about germs, even thought I wasn’t. . . .

    She was a nerd, and I was a nerd, and we had all the same interests, but we never managed to connect. . . .

    I assumed a neighbor was a certain way because of stereotypes and hearsay. But her opinions ended up being more nuanced, and even if we did disagree about some things, we didn’t disagree about everything. . . .

    My own assumptions alter how I think about people and how I treat them. But those assumptions are often wrong. I can’t read minds. I don’t know as much about people as I think I do. And people don’t know much about me, either.

    We have different lifestyles, different choices, different opinions. We have things in common and we have difference. But it’s easiest to approach every relationship with integrity.

    I want to be the same person, to not try to hide who I am. That doesn’t mean I loudly insert my own opinions, but it does mean that I stop trying to adapt myself to fit to another person’s choices. I struggle with that sometimes. I don’t want to be contrary. So I don’t say things or I change what I say in order to fit in.

    But so often, I’m adapting based on false information.

    It’s better to be honest and true to myself, to let who I am come out more often, and not try to read another’s mind, but to simply ask them about themselves, to understand what I don’t know, and to assume only that I can continue to be kind.