I hate the fact that I deal with mental health struggles. I want to just be fine. I want my brain to work well every day. And sometimes it does. Sometimes we really get along, and my brain can make decisions and respond appropriately and think clearly and regulate my emotions.
But sometimes there is an elephant on my brain. It’s like my brain is squished up and heavy and no longer works quite right. I feel out of control and I find myself doing things that I know aren’t rational. I will yell and scream over things that aren’t a big deal. My brain will circle around in the same, irrational thought patterns as another part of my brain yells to stop thinking like that.
I have a hard time regulating everything. I’ll go deeper down rabbit holes. I’ll lose track of time. I have a hard time focusing. I lose interest in everything. And sometimes, I feel like I’m disconnected with reality, as if I exist a little bit separate from it. Something is wrong and I doubt my own sanity. I know I’m not okay but I just want to be okay.
I want to label it as depression, PMDD, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar–any label will do, really, and then by labeling it I can throw medication at it and make it go away.
I have my tool box of mental health tools that I can use: Go outside. Exercise. Eat food. Drink water. Practice meditation. Do grounding techniques. Write. Get enough sleep. Cognitive restructuring and talking back to negative thoughts. Talk to other people. Routines. And medication does help.
I try. But sometimes, no matter what I do, I’m not okay. And that is okay. Because I will come out of it, especially when I keep using my techniques and tools the best that I can.
The elephant will move away. I’ll wake up and feel all of that weight off of me. Things will go back to normal.
I keep trying the best that I can. And that is enough. I’ll be smiling again soon.
Heather Hoyt 