Tag: hope

Christmas Dissonance

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At a writing group the other day, we wrote about a Christmas memory that was discordant. Christmas is often this happy time of year, where we share happy memories and miracles, but we explored the other end of Christmas, when that expectation of happiness is instead met with difficulty.

One writer shared about when she no longer believed in Santa Claus, transitioning from childhood to being a teenager. The presents weren’t fun anymore, and her parents gave her a doll that she hated.

Another writer shared about a large cousin present exchange, and the strong feeling that she didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by being disappointed. She cared more about others’ feelings than herself.

And then there was a heartbreaking story of a family trying to find happiness on Christmas morning–but instead of seven children, there were only six.

I thought about the Christmas not too long ago when we moved on Christmas Day. I made frog eye salad because I make it every Christmas. We put it in a cooler and we pulled over to a rest stop and ate frog eye salad for Christmas lunch with plastic forks, straight of the bowl. It snowed the day, hard, and we got into our house late and exhausted.

There was another Christmas, a few years before, where I was dealing with mental health issues and did not have a handle on my emotions. I was overcome with anger and ended up throwing the frog eye salad in rage–it landed everywhere, even on the Christmas tree.

Why was I making frog eye salad for Christmas when it was tied to so many difficult times?

Because I really like frog eye salad. It’s a weird combination of custard and acini di pepe pasta and canned fruit and whipped topping. Yes, I’ve eaten it during hard moments, but it still tastes good.

Sometimes Christmas doesn’t need to be the most wonderful time of the year. Sometimes it’s hard and difficult. Sometimes we cry more than we laugh. That’s okay. No Christmas is really perfect. We’re all still people trying our best and failing a lot. But we still keep trying. In all that trying, it’s okay to just let life come in all it’s imperfections.

And if you are going through hard times, it’s good to remember that your favorite food can still taste delicious.

Christmas Morning 2018–the year we moved on Christmas Day

The Heaviness of Unfairness and Finding Peace in Commotion

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There’s been a lot of commotion in the world today. I don’t want to look at the news that are filled with violence and confusion. I don’t want to hear stories about house prices and gas prices and inflation that make it hard for people to afford basic necessities of life. I don’t want to hear all the frustrating developments in politics.

So many people are struggling. It wears at my heart: empathy drives me to mourn, and in that mourning, I want to act.

But what can I do? What can I do that has an impact?

I find myself realizing that I am powerless in so many ways. I can list out the problems in the world and I can list solutions, but there seems to be a chasm between the two–a chasm of power and money and inaction. Solutions are too complicated when too many people have their opinions and they never agree.

I want to do something, but I don’t know what, so I do nothing. Maybe I’m making excuses. Maybe there is something I could do to take this world a better place, but I don’t know what it is.

If I speak up, my voice just feels lost in the crowd and I am often ignored. Other people live their life, make their own decisions, and I must sit back and simply watch.

I feel too privileged, unfairly so. I know people have worked harder and have less. I have to sit in my nice house knowing that so many people can’t afford a home. I don’t deserve this.

And what do I do when all of this wears at me? How can I continue to try to live my dreams when I know of so much struggle?

I realize that there also needs to be happiness in the world. There needs to be people living good lives and serving in small walls and being kind to others. There needs to be people raising families. There needs to be people creating. We are working towards a better world, and so there needs to be joy somewhere.

While I am undeserving, I can also be grateful. And there is work for me to do–maybe I won’t change the world, but the small things I do do can increase happiness, step by step. I can visit friends. Listen to someone who needs to talk. I can mourn and pray. And I can write and speak, trying to make sense of a nonsensical world and finding some good that can bring a measure of peace.

Elephant on my brain

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I hate the fact that I deal with mental health struggles. I want to just be fine. I want my brain to work well every day. And sometimes it does. Sometimes we really get along, and my brain can make decisions and respond appropriately and think clearly and regulate my emotions.

But sometimes there is an elephant on my brain. It’s like my brain is squished up and heavy and no longer works quite right. I feel out of control and I find myself doing things that I know aren’t rational. I will yell and scream over things that aren’t a big deal. My brain will circle around in the same, irrational thought patterns as another part of my brain yells to stop thinking like that.

I have a hard time regulating everything. I’ll go deeper down rabbit holes. I’ll lose track of time. I have a hard time focusing. I lose interest in everything. And sometimes, I feel like I’m disconnected with reality, as if I exist a little bit separate from it. Something is wrong and I doubt my own sanity. I know I’m not okay but I just want to be okay.

I want to label it as depression, PMDD, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar–any label will do, really, and then by labeling it I can throw medication at it and make it go away.

I have my tool box of mental health tools that I can use: Go outside. Exercise. Eat food. Drink water. Practice meditation. Do grounding techniques. Write. Get enough sleep. Cognitive restructuring and talking back to negative thoughts. Talk to other people. Routines. And medication does help.

I try. But sometimes, no matter what I do, I’m not okay. And that is okay. Because I will come out of it, especially when I keep using my techniques and tools the best that I can.

The elephant will move away. I’ll wake up and feel all of that weight off of me. Things will go back to normal.

I keep trying the best that I can. And that is enough. I’ll be smiling again soon.

Heather W. Hoyt

“Who Against Hope Believed in Hope”

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There are many times in our life when we have circumstances that we don’t understand and are less than ideal. There are so many struggles we might have: mental health, temptation, addiction, or less than ideal family circumstances.

Why do we have to deal with those things? Where are the Lord’s blessings? Why is his timing so different from our own?

My husband works four hours away from where we live right now. He comes home for three days and then goes back to work for the other four. I am grateful that he has a job and that we get to spend as much time together as a family as we do. But every time he has to go back to work, it hurts. I just want him around.

This is the third time we’ve done this. The first time, he was in police academy for a few months. The second time was two years ago in the exact same situation, and it was so difficult that I gave up this house for a time and went back to living in the middle of nowhere and homeschooling my kids.

And we’re doing it again. And I don’t know when Dillon will get to live with us again, as there is a recession right now and the job market is difficult and I don’t see anything working out anytime soon. We’ve been job searching for over two years now (really, I don’t know if we ever stopped), and I don’t always have that much hope.

Hope

Therefore it is of faith, that it might be by grace; to the end the promise might be sure to all the seed; not to that only which is of the law, but to that also which is of the faith of Abraham; who is the father of us all,

(As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were.

Who against hope believed in hope, that he might become the father of many nations, according to that which was spoken, So shall thy seed be.

And being not weak in faith, he considered not his own body now dead, when he was about an hundred years old, neither yet the deadness of Sara’s womb:

He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God;

And being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform. (Romans 4:16-21)

Abraham was told he was going to be a father of many nations, and he was 100 years old and didn’t have any kids. It was simply an impossible promise. But Abraham believed in it anyway.

I can keep hoping. Because Heavenly Father has given me assurances, and He will bless me. I may not understand the timing, but I don’t have to ever give up.

Abraham never gave up hoping. So even if something seems absolutely impossible, we can always keep the faith that Heavenly Father will always give us the righteous desires of our hearts.

Hope can get you through the hours, the days, the months, the years, the decades. It never has to be extinguished. It never has to go away. There is no expiration date for the blessings the Lord has for us: they will always be there, and He will always love us.

Remembering in Hard Times

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Lots of my extended family members are going through difficult times. Health problems, marriage problems, life problems. Sometimes I want the problems to go away. Sometimes I selfishly don’t want to worry anymore. Sometimes I genuinely care about someone and I want them to have a break from painful experiences.

I can only do little things like sending a note or a text or saying a prayer. I have been praying a lot for others lately. It has at times been a little overwhelming, particularly when it combines with some of my own worries.

So how do we deal with hard times?

I have found the best way is to remember Jesus Christ. The suffering of the world is so great, yet He has experienced it and so He can succor us and help us through it. We cannot go lower than He was. We cannot go to a place without light. The light of Christ is always there, giving hope in difficult times.

That makes it okay. Hard times happen and people struggle and there can be so much pain, but it is never too much because of Him. He provided a way through it all.

It will get better eventually, even if it gets worse right now. There is hope. And there is happiness in that hope.