Category: essay

Forget about being a good or bad parent . . .

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How many times have you told yourself that you’re a good mom/dad or a bad mom/dad? You’ve probably done it a lot–and if you are like me, you are usually saying to yourself that you aren’t good enough.

The thought of being a good parent or a bad parent is not very useful. First, who is coming up with the classification anyway? We are all very different people and we have our individual ways of doing things, so there is no universal ideal of a good parent.

We create our own ideas of what a good parent is and what a bad parent is. And when we measure ourselves against the ideal, we forget that we made it up in our heads.

And usually we are doing some things better than other things. And parenting is so huge, that even when we do something well, there is something else that we are forgetting to do. We can’t be perfect parents all at once. It’s sort of impossible.

So we should stop telling ourselves that we are good or bad parents. It doesn’t do any good at all. It’s not the point, anyway. The point is to love our children, not to get a passing grade in parenting.

We should keep striving to be better–but we should do it for the benefit of our children, not so that we feel good about ourselves.

And in the end of it, I don’t want to be a good mom as much as I want to be an instrument in the hands of God to do what he would have me do. And that may mean forgetting about whether I am a good mom or a bad mom and just trying a little harder.

Pain can be good

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In the city finals course during an episode of American Ninja Warriors last year, Jessie Graff was trying to finish the course but was exhausted and didn’t have the strength to finish. She fell, knowing she had reached her limit. But throughout it all, she was smiling. When asked about it during the interview after the run, she said that she was smiling because she knew she was getting stronger.

I have remembered that for a while. I tend to avoid pain–a lot of us do. But lots of good things in life cause us pain, whether it’s the physical pain of exercise, the anxiety of talking to new people, or the frustration of trying a new skill. Often, the things we value cause us a a lot of pain too: I value my children and love them a lot, so when they are crying or struggling, it makes me hurt too because I want them to be happy.

There are two lessons in all of this:

  1. Often, we have pain because we are doing something difficult. And since we aren’t as strong as we want to be, it hurts. But if we persist and hang in there, we will become stronger. Pain can be good because it means we are stretching ourselves to do better. Instead of getting frustrated and just always doing what we are already good at, it’s better to push ourselves–it will hurt, but it’s worth it.
  2. The things that we value can cause us a lot of pain because we value them so much. This pain can cause us to do a lot of stupid stuff when we try to avoid it–like getting angry at our children when they are crying. We really want them to be happy–that’s why their crying is bothering us in the first place. But when we misinterpret our pain and forget what we actually value, we end up hurting the things that we love the most. A better way is knowing that the pain is okay and that avoiding the pain isn’t the answer–remembering what we love and value is.

Avoiding pain can be incredibly damaging. Now, sometimes we have pain that tells us we need to change our actions–like when we are injured, or we feel guilt. But it’s not like good choices lead to comfort and bad choices lead to pain. Sometimes, really good choices result in a lot of pain. But they are still good choices. The easy choice can often be a very negative thing.

We should remember what we value and push ourselves to become better and better at living those values. While that can be painful, it can also bring us a great amount of joy.

It’s okay to make a decision even if you are uncertain

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Recently, I’ve been making some decisions about my life. If you know me well, you know I am not the most decisive person in the world. I feel a lot of uncertainty sometimes, and it’s difficult for me to make a decision.

Part of this is that I see pros and cons without being able to measure them very well, and I focus on the fact that even good decisions aren’t perfect. I can’t see the future, so I’m not exactly sure if I will really enjoy something or not. I don’t know if it will be worth it. But I have to make that decision anyway.

I want to be 100% certain of something before I decide to do it. But I’m rarely very certain of anything.

So instead of just going for it, I languish in the land of uncertainty.

The other day, as I was rethinking a decision yet again, I realized that I could still make the decision and be uncertain about it. I didn’t have to make a complex calculation of what was best and if it would be worth my time and money. I could just go for it and see.

I think that’s what decisive people are good at: they aren’t certain all the time, but they are willing to make decisions and go forward even with the uncertainty. If it feels and sounds mostly right, that’s enough.

I want to know exactly how things will turn out before they happen. I’m afraid of making mistakes. But we will make mistakes, and it’s okay. We just do the best with what we have and go forward without fear.

Happily Ever After

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And they lived happily ever after . . .

It’s the ending to children’s stories, and it’s of course entirely untrue. They don’t live happily ever after, because they will eventually die. That’s life.

Coming-of-age stories end with the main character supposedly finding out who they are and starting on the direction they will continue for the rest of their lives.

Except for when they grow up, they are often met with radical life changes and difficult trials.

I had a really happy childhood. For the most part, I knew who I was and what I wanted in life. I had a home that felt comforting and inviting and a family who loved me. It was a happily ever after.

Then I grew up. Life can be really difficult as an adult. It’s wonderful, but there are uncertainties and trials and difficult realities.

So happily ever after belongs to children’s stories, to the thought that you can dream and your dreams can come true. To the idea that you can have life all figured out and be the person you want to be. It belongs to the one time in life when someone takes care of you, you truly feel at home, and you never have to be alone.

I know not everyone has a happy childhood, so it’s not universally applicable. Some people never really get their happily ever after. But happily ever after is never the destination anyway. The whole picture of life is bigger and scarier, but also much more beautiful.

Life is not a roller coaster

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I have often thought that life was like a roller coaster, with lots of ups and downs.

And then I realized one day that life isn’t a roller coaster at all. I’m not simply heading up or down–it’s way more complex than that. It’s a journey, taking lots of different paths.

When it snows, the snow gets deposited in the mountains for months. Then it melts, and runs down in so many different ways until finally, it arrives at its destination. The water has lots of different destinations: The water can become part of a beautiful lake. It can run into a reservoir and then be used to irrigate crops and flowers. It can sink down into the water table and come up again in a well for plumbing and drinking. And you know what? In each of those instances, the water doesn’t do any good on top of the mountain. It has to flow into the valley before it’s worth anything.

If the rain is really focused on ups and downs, it will completely neglect to realize why it is there.

We go through so many different journeys throughout our lives. I read the other day that you don’t figure out how to write a novel–you just figure out the specific novel you are writing. And life is like that–you don’t figure out how to live. You just figure out what you need to do right now with your own specific circumstances.

So while we want to be happy, happiness is not found at the top of the roller coaster of life. It can be found in the deep valleys and even with the weight of the world pressing down. We are happy not when life is easy; we are happy when we find our purpose and we are doing our best to live it.

 

enjoying the pain

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This is hard to explain, but I will try.

Probably my whole life, I have hated feeling certain things: anger, guilt, confusion, and discouragement. I would try to avoid feeling, but you know what happens when you try not to feel something? You might end up feeling it a lot more intensely.

So because I hate feeling angry, I feel even angrier. Because I avoid being discouraged, I get more discouraged. Because I try not be depressed, I feel depressed.

I’ve been reading a book about acceptance and commitment therapy. I read a section where someone said they had learned to enjoy feeling anxious. Feeling anxious is just part of life. We all feel it. And it’s okay to feel it.

It’s okay to be angry and sad and discouraged and confused. It’s okay to feel those things. And when it’s okay, and you accept those feeling in your life, then things become a lot better. You can actually learn to enjoy the pain, in a way. People who exercise a lot, or love going on roller coasters, or love intensive jobs have learned how to enjoy pain because they know it makes them better.

I will always have times where I feel anger, guilt, and sadness. But when I allow myself to feel those things, instead of fighting against them and closing myself up, I can start to live my life again.

A few days ago, I was angry at my husband. But I accepted that. I didn’t fight it. And it went away. I removed myself from that fight (he didn’t really do anything wrong anyway) and just let it happen. I didn’t yell and try to make the problem go away. It just existed, and that was fine–I could feel angry and jealous and all of that without needed to resolve it. And then later, I was playing with my kids and I found myself laughing, and laughing a lot. I let myself feel anger–and then I was able to let myself feel joy. (This is still a major work in progress.)

I can find a lot more positive emotions, like laughter and happiness, because I’m no longer afraid of my own feelings.

Emotions have never been my enemy. They are my friend. Even the grief and depression and the anxiety and the worry. They are all part of my life. And I can accept them. I am more than how I feel.

I don’t know if that will make any sense to you. Because I have heard the same message over and over again and I never really understood. I still hated my feelings.

But today, I don’t.

Thoughts on Pacing Myself

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  • It can be better to do a little bit regularly than a lot all at once.
  • Just because I can fit it all on my list doesn’t mean that I should fit it all on my list.
  • It’s okay to have quiet moments.
  • Transitions take time. Plan for them.
  • I always underestimate the amount of time something will take me. I usually have to double it.
  • I often need to lower expectations for myself in order for me to do more. Freeing myself of my own high expectations allows me to be a lot happier.
  • I do a lot more than I think I do.
  • I can’t sustain a really high level of doing everything I possibly can and I often crash after trying. To avoid crashes, it can be better not to do quite as much.
  • Keeping up my mental and physical health takes time, and sometimes much more time than I expect, but it’s really important.
  • Sometimes what I want to do when I’m exhausted will simply make me more tired.
  • Being present with myself and my life is a much better way to deal with exhaustion.
  • I can’t perfect myself and my life all at once. I have to work a little bit at a time.
  • I can keep going in a good direction, even if it is slow.

A new decade

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I have a significant birthday coming up–only significant because we have ten fingers on our hands and therefore we have a base-ten system and we get fascinated with decades. If we were using a base-twelve system, there would be nothing significant about my birthday at all.

But here we are. I’m entering a new decade and therefore I’m reflective. I’m not going to be young anymore.

In the last decade, I have graduated from college, gotten married, had two-full time jobs, and had four children and became a stay-at-home mom. We’ve lived in three different states and moved a lot. I’ve supported my husband in his school and career. I’ve also self-published two novels, maintained multiple blogs, taken a lot of photographs, worked on my family history, and decorated multiple houses. And I’ve read at least 52 books every year. I’ve made a lot of friends. I’ve been part of different communities. I’ve taught my children as well as I can.

I am in a good place right now, and I’m heading in a good direction. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve done enough, particularly because life has not turned out how I expected it to. I have failed in some things. I have never been a successful writer, and now I don’t plan on pursuing writing anymore. I have dealt with some mental health issues and I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way. Some times I don’t feel like I’ve done enough.

But being a mom was always been my dream, and I am so incredibly grateful for my family. They are enough. If I hadn’t accomplished anything on my own, I could be happy knowing that I am doing my best to raise my four children and have a happy home and a happy family.

And next to my family, I am most grateful for the friends that I have made. I miss friends I have moved away from a whole lot, but I am grateful for the opportunity to make friends in new places. Friendship is one of the biggest accomplishments there is in life–and it can be hard sometimes, but it’s worth it.

I don’t know

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Recently, I was teaching a lesson in church and someone commenting mentioned that even though she was sharing advice, she didn’t feel like she had it all figured out. I feel the same way a lot. If you could look into my day-to-day operations, you would know that I do not have it all together and I make mistakes on a constant basis.

But I keep trying. And that’s enough, because trying is all I’ve got. When I yell at my kids, I’m going to apologize and try not to yell again. When I spend half the day in my pajamas doing nothing, I’m going to get up and get in the shower and clean the house. When I fail at my goals, I’m going to keep setting goals anyway.

I know a lot more than I can actually do. I know what I want my life to look like, but I can’t always actually put that into effect. There is a large gap there, and there always will be.

So some days I don’t have advice because I’m not perfect and I make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are quite overwhelming. I am so deficient in so many ways. But so is everyone.

And it doesn’t matter if I have it figured out. I can keep taking that next step anyway.

(I wrote this post because I was procrastinating cleaning my house.)

Recognize your struggles

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It’s okay to fall down.

It’s okay to have a hard time. The hard time exists whether you admit or not. It’s easier to admit it.

It’s okay to realize that lemons are really sour and not make lemonade. Sometimes you don’t want to hide the sour; you want it to use it.

It’s okay to cry when bad things happen. You don’t have to be happy all the time.

It’s okay to make mistakes and struggle and admit that you aren’t doing great. The mistakes are there whether you admit them or not.

It’s okay to forget about the silver linings for a moment and just admit that things are difficult. Silver linings don’t take away all the pain.

It’s okay to think that life is hard. Because it is.

It is okay to realize that your dreams are never going to happen and that you have failed in certain ways. Sometimes dreams don’t work with reality.

We can accept life for what it is. And sometimes life is messy and difficult. But it’s also happy and wonderful too. It’s all of that together. It doesn’t have to be always happy and good. It doesn’t always have to be sad either. Sometimes it’s a mess of in-between.

But we wake up every morning, we decide what we’re going to do next, and that’s all we have.

I’ve spent too much of my life trying to force it into a specific template instead of just letting it be how it is. And when I accept life for what it is, I am much more able to do that next thing instead of worrying about what I wished would have happened.

I’m trying, and the trying is enough.