Category: essay

Distractions

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I get distracted easily and sometimes I have a hard time focusing on the right thing.

But as I was sucked down rabbit holes and wasting my time the other day, I realized that I don’t need to stop getting distracted.

Not getting distracted is not a good goal to have. Because I will get distracted. And then if my goal was to never get distracted, I feel guilty and miserable and I don’t want to do the right thing anymore.

A better goal is to come back as soon as I can after I get distracted. To learn how to refocus myself and remember the task at hand. To close out of the rabbit holes and go back to work.

I’m never going to be always focused. But when I find myself unfocused, I can let go of guilt and simply make the right choice in that moment.

I am not a problem.

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I am not a problem to be fixed.

Life is not a problem to be fixed.

I have been repeating those mantras to myself lately. Sometimes, I think of myself as broken and I want to fix myself. But I am not broken, and I don’t need to fix myself. I have problems and struggles–sometimes I get depressed. Sometimes I get distracted. Sometimes I don’t make great decisions. I may have problems and struggles, but I am not a problem or a struggle. I am a person, and for all my weakness, I also have strength.

My life has many good things in it. It’s mostly good, really. I don’t want to change everything. I don’t need to fix my life–it’s not perfect, and I can work on making it a little bit better. But my life isn’t broken. My life is beautiful and wonderful.

Mistakes

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I hate making mistakes. But in a way, mistakes are really awesome.

Sometimes accepting mistakes are the only way we get anything done in life. I have to make mistakes to learn how to do anything. If I’m going to play a piano song, I have to try it out and make mistakes. If I’m going to write a book, it’ll be filled with typos at first. If I’m going to build a house, there will simply be mistakes that happen.

A lot of mistakes can simply be fixed. But sometimes they can’t be.

There are mistakes I’ve made in my home renovation that are hidden and forgotten, but some of them I have to stare at every day and I can’t fix them. And some of the mistakes take a long time to fix.

I mess up so often. But instead of viewing my mistakes as stupid and horrible, sometimes I need to realize that they mean that I am trying.

If I say something awkward to someone, at least I said something. If my day doesn’t go according to plan, I least I had a plan.

I’ll keep trying.

Feed My Sheep

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There we were in testimony meeting, and the speaker was talking about how he couldn’t understand how someone had lost belief in the church. And then there was talk about how good other people in the congregation were–that they were faithful and stalwart and admirable.

It was not very helpful for those of us in the congregation who sometimes struggle with our faith. Sometimes I’m not always feeling like I want to go to church and worship. Sometimes I have doubts and questions.

A lot of people are like that. And we want to feel accepted and loved and heard and understood, but instead, we are often met with the message that we aren’t good enough.

There have been so many testimony meetings that I have sat through and people have praised their ward and the individuals in their ward, saying it is one of the best wards in the church.

In every single ward, someone feels out of place and unaccepted. Someone has been hurt and offended. In many wards, people are unkind and don’t understand.

It might feel like a really good ward if you have a lot of friends and people you get along with. It might feel comfortable if you don’t have many questions and you aren’t struggling with your faith. But that doesn’t mean everyone in the ward feels the same way you do.

What about those people who don’t come, or don’t come often? Do they feel like outsiders? Do they feel welcomed? Do they have friends?

It is easy to blame people for their lack of attendance or their lack of faith. It’s easy to say that it is their fault that they feel marginalized.

But we can do better. Instead of boasting about how good we are, we can take some time to listen and try to understand those who are struggling.

How to Take a Break

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I’m not good at taking breaks. I’m good at getting really exhausted and then checking social media, but that is the worst way to take breaks.

My friend Amy recently told me that she doesn’t let her car get under a half tank. She wants to be prepared. And then she said, “Why can’t we do that for ourselves?” If we can manage to keep our vehicles full of fuel, we can also work to keep ourselves fueled and ready to go.

Which means we need to take breaks. And not breaks when we’ve become exhausted and empty–instead, we need breaks when we’re half-empty, before we’re exhausted.

But some breaks that I take are just horrible: Checking social media. Looking at the news and pandemic trends. Watching YouTube videos. Staring mindlessly at a computer screen is not a good break: it doesn’t replenish me and makes me feel more drained.

Here are some ideas on how to take a real break that can actually give our minds and bodies the rest we need and invigorate us to keep going:

  • Exercise.
  • Go for a walk.
  • Go outside.
  • Read a book.
  • Talk to a friend.
  • Play with a child.
  • Do a small act of service.
  • Say a prayer.
  • Sit in silence.
  • Meditate.
  • Say something you’re grateful for.
  • Eat a snack. Preferably a somewhat healthy one.
  • Drink some water.
  • Clean up. Even doing a tiny bit can help.
  • Sit there and do nothing (but don’t look at a screen).

Sometimes taking a break is difficult. I have a hard time changing my focus and I want to just get stuff done. But it’s not efficient to get stuff done by working and working until I’m overly exhausted and I can’t do anything else.

I’m going to keep working on taking breaks–the right sort of breaks that will help me feel happier, energized, and live the life I want to live.

Mind Reading

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I thought she wanted to be left alone, so I did. And because I left her alone, she thought I wanted to be left alone. And we almost missed a friendship. . . .

I thought they were concerned about germs, so I kept my distance when we were sick. And then they thought I was concerned about germs, even thought I wasn’t. . . .

She was a nerd, and I was a nerd, and we had all the same interests, but we never managed to connect. . . .

I assumed a neighbor was a certain way because of stereotypes and hearsay. But her opinions ended up being more nuanced, and even if we did disagree about some things, we didn’t disagree about everything. . . .

My own assumptions alter how I think about people and how I treat them. But those assumptions are often wrong. I can’t read minds. I don’t know as much about people as I think I do. And people don’t know much about me, either.

We have different lifestyles, different choices, different opinions. We have things in common and we have difference. But it’s easiest to approach every relationship with integrity.

I want to be the same person, to not try to hide who I am. That doesn’t mean I loudly insert my own opinions, but it does mean that I stop trying to adapt myself to fit to another person’s choices. I struggle with that sometimes. I don’t want to be contrary. So I don’t say things or I change what I say in order to fit in.

But so often, I’m adapting based on false information.

It’s better to be honest and true to myself, to let who I am come out more often, and not try to read another’s mind, but to simply ask them about themselves, to understand what I don’t know, and to assume only that I can continue to be kind.

 

Try Less to Be More

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I want to fix everything about myself all at the same time. Spiritually, I want to read my scriptures, say my prayers, and grow in my faith and testimony to God. Physically, I want to exercise for longer, go to bed earlier, wake up earlier, eat less sugar, and drink more water. Socially, I want to serve my neighbors, reach out to friends, and spend more time with family. Mentally, I want to spend less time on my computer, be less distracted, and improve my focus.

And I would also like to take better care of my children, cook more meals, save more money, go outside more–all of it.

But guess what? I can’t do it all at once. I can’t fix every weakness. I can’t change all my habits. I’ve tried and it didn’t work.

Lately, I’ve had one basic goal: wake up at 6:00 in the morning and get ready for the day. It’s really simple and mostly attainable.

That small goal has made a big impact on my life. I feel like I’m improving. I feel more capable and less discouraged. My to-do list gets done better. I’ve been able to focus a little more. Other habits are improving too, even when I’m not focused on the.

I wish improvement came all at once, but it doesn’t. It comes in small and simple steps, one thing at a time. And I improve much more quickly when I focus my efforts on one small thing instead of trying to change everything about my life all at once.

Christmas

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Last year after Christmas was over, I wrote a note to myself:

Make a few meaningful events instead of lots of things. Don’t feel guilty for not doing service every day. It’s okay. Gingerbread houses, snowflakes, and remember the nativity. It’s okay to do something once instead of every year. Christmas: Do dinner for lunch. We don’t like ham and potatoes. Frog eye salad is good, and maybe a random assortment of favorite things. Don’t do too much food. Go and do something together outside on Christmas, like sledding or hiking or sight seeing.

The note to myself has been helpful this year. I haven’t followed all of it, but reading it allowed me to approach the holidays with less guilt. I have been trying to have a Christmas season that works for us and our family, instead of just doing things because there is some sort of expectation.

I am looking at the note, “Don’t do too much food,” and realizing that I have planned for too much food again this year. At least the food doesn’t include potato casserole and ham, which was a yearly tradition that we didn’t even like.

But I have done a few meaningful events: we attempted gingerbread houses, we looked at Christmas lights, we had a virtual family party, and we completed a move-a-thon fundraiser. I have served other people and reached out to neighbors and friends, but I’ve been more flexible about it, which has opened up better opportunities.

Growing up, Christmas felt incredibly significant. And I was trying to always keep that feeling, but it ended up starting to feel very heavy. I don’t need Christmas time to be different and special and complicated.

Christmas is a time to focus on Jesus Christ, and that’s a simple thing. Christmas is best when it becomes simple–when Christmas isn’t about the abundance of trying to do everything, but about doing the most important things.

Christmas isn’t always the same. This year, I took my kids Christmas shopping (at an actual store). I bought a present for my husband (we haven’t exchanged presents for years). The pandemic means that parties have been virtual and events have been simplified. My decorations are haphazard. I haven’t really watched any Christmas movies. I’ve neglected presents I could have given.

I didn’t everything I wanted to do this year in the way I wanted to do it, but I don’t feel guilty about it. I’m just grateful for where I’m at.

Next year will look different too. And it probably won’t be particularly special. But life isn’t about creating significance through enthusiastic perfectionism, but seeing the significance in small moments.

When I free myself of burdensome expectations that are laced with guilt, I get a little closer to enjoying the holiday season how I really want to enjoy it: simple, fun, and better focused on Jesus Christ.

Technology: Pushing it out of your life

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Like most people in the world today, sometimes I waste too much time on social media and other websites. They are designed be addictive, after all, and rabbit holes are encouraged in the never-ending display of suggested content.

But when I focus on getting rid of that wasted time, I usually fail. I have created some better habits. On my phone, for example, I don’t have any social media apps. I’ve also removed email and my web browser. The only notifications I have are for texts and calls. I also unfollow people, try to have screen-free time, have a blocking program on my computer (FocusMe), and use one site (AllSides.com) to check on news.

All those things aren’t enough. I still waste time on my computer and phone–it’s not a personal weakness as much as simply a really difficult problem.

But here is the one thing that has worked the very best: crowding out wasted time with doing good things. When I have free time, technology sucks it up like a vacuum. But when I have lots to do, technology gets pushed out of my life in favor of better things.

This week was very busy. I had to work on painting my house to get ready for winter and I had two papers to write for my classes in school. It’s also Halloween and I worked to spend time with my kids. When I planned to do many good things, I didn’t have time to waste.

Good habits are better formed by crowding out the bad habits in favor of something better. Focusing on my negative technology use and trying to eliminate it is focusing on the wrong thing–I should instead look at what that technology is preventing me from doing, and work on increasing good works in my life.

I want to read books and write and play games with my family and learn new things and serve others. When I plan for that in my life, my technology habits take care of themselves.

Beliefs

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I recently read this article:

People say, “You should be true to your beliefs.” While that is true, you cannot be better than what you know. Most of us act based on our beliefs, especially what we believe to be in our self-interest. The problem is, we are sometimes wrong….

When we act badly, we may think we are bad, when in truth we are just wrong. The challenge is not so much closing the gap between our actions and our beliefs; rather, the challenge is closing the gap between our beliefs and the truth.

I’ve been stressed and worried at times. Lots of times. It’s easy to blame my circumstances, or to think that I am somehow not strong enough. I want to do better. I mean to do better. Then I don’t.

But my emotions and actions are not caused by my environment. They are caused by my beliefs. If I am to change my emotions and actions, then I must change my beliefs.

I often don’t analyze my own thoughts and beliefs, simply looking at my actions. I found myself discouraged, and focused so much on the discouragement that I felt hopeless to stop it. But when I looked at my beliefs, I was able to understand myself and the discouragement dissipated as my beliefs became a little bit closer to the truth.