Category: fractured

Home: The Safe Place

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My kids behave their absolute worst at home. So do I, when it comes down to it. We all yell and scream and cry. Home becomes a place where all those emotions come out.

It can be discouraging. I would like our home to be calm and clean and happy. But so often it feels like my home is full of garbage: Actual garbage. Emotional garbage. All those worst moments that I wish didn’t exist.

I think the wrong way to deal with this is to try to eliminate all those bad moments. Because those bad moments need to happen. We all need a place where we can behave without expectations for a moment.

And home can be that safe place. Home is the place where we can scream and cry and struggle. We put on a face everywhere else, and then at home we can totally relax and let all of the garage out, that garbage that we keep hidden.

It’s a really good thing that my kids behave badly at home. Because they feel safe there. They feel like they can.

Home becomes sacred because it houses all of us, not just the good bits.

Weight

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I recently finished a rough draft of a paper and sent it to my advisor. I had meant to finish that paper in the summer. Then school started, and I thought I should be able to finish it by the end of August. And then August ended, and I no longer had a deadline, just a heavy weight that I had not completed a draft yet.

I felt so behind, and I did not want to work on this paper. I was stuck. I felt guilty for my lack of progress. But I needed to work. So I decided I was just going to sit down and dictate it. I turned on the dictator, and I talked.

I had to stop talking midway through because I had kids coming home from school, but then I kept typing until I was 4,000 words in and I had a very messy word vomit rougher than rough draft.

The paper got a whole lot easier. I was able to go through and make that word vomit into something that actually resembled actual research and argumentation.

I still need to do more research (there is always more to read). I still need to improve my arguments. I still need to proofread and actually put in proper citations.

But I think I hated working on that paper not because I hated the subject material or the argument, but because it reminded me that I had disappointed myself. I had expectations that I didn’t meet.

When I finally finished what I had wanted to do for so long, the paper wasn’t so bad anymore.

I’m not sure what to do about that in the future.

Lower my expectations? But sometimes if I have high expectations, I can get a whole lot done.

Just get things done, so I’m not missing deadlines? This is the best case scenario. I’m always happier when I’m ahead of schedule instead of behind schedule.

Maybe have multiple deadlines in mind in the first place? I mean, the deadlines were my deadlines. The actual deadline for this paper is towards the end of October (for a final draft, not a rough draft), but I don’t necessarily get kicked out of graduate school if I miss that deadline. So maybe my own self-imposed deadlines need to have a different flair: I need to realized that sometimes I have overly optimistic deadlines, realistic deadlines, and life-gets-complicated deadlines. And set all of those different dates for myself, so that when I blow past the overly optimistic deadline, I don’t feel so much guilt.

Self-Sacrifice Burnout: When It’s Okay to Hurt

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So I’ve recently heard of the idea of “pathological altruism”: engaging in altruist acts that are actually harmful. While that category is quite broad, part of it includes people self-sacrificing in order to help others to the point that they face extreme burnout and harm to their health and well-being.

Why is that bad?

I think it can be laudable to sacrifice, even to the point where it hurts you. Many people sacrifice their lives, basically everything they have, in order to help others. I have deep respect and admiration for those people. I want to be more like that.

We don’t want people to sacrifice for us. We don’t like to see others suffer. We say that they need to take care of themselves first.

But if someone dedicates their life to others, they take care of themselves only as a means to other ends. The bad thing about burnout is it means you can’t help other people anymore.

Taking care of yourself doesn’t need to be a priority. It’s just a helpful thing to do so that you can take care of others.

And that means that if you dedicate yourself to help, it will hurt sometimes. It will mean long hours and exhausting days. It can be difficult and hard.

Nights without sleep helping children.
Coming home hungry after a long time at work.
Talking to someone in a crisis and crying in empathy.
Dropping everything and driving hours and hours because they need you.
Looking at an almost empty bank account and donating anyway.

Those are not problematic moments. They are sacred.

Why I believe

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Because I feel God talking to me, inspiring me, guiding me in my life. Because practices like prayer, church, temple, scripture, and ministering enhances that communication and that relationship. Because I have had personal experiences that sometimes I can’t even put into words properly where I feel God’s presence in my life.

The reason I believe is my own experience. And that to me is at the heart of religious knowledge: we believe because of our own personal experience. That is what my religion tells me: not to simply trust others and in their experience, but to get my own experience instead. To pray to God. to hear him speak back. I yearn to feel close to God because that is the best feeling in my life, one of love and peace.

And some, many, people do not have the same experience that I have. So I must respect them for what they believe, whatever that may be. We may come to different conclusions. combinations of doubt and faith and belief in conflicting narratives that I do not always understand. I do not know another’s experience, but I can understand that if experience is where we gain spiritual knowledge, then I cannot force belief, I cannot persuade, I cannot argue. I can only share. And hope.

Complications

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Sometimes we are trying to make sense of the world, and the world doesn’t make sense.

Would it be better to live in a perfect world, where we all do the right thing? Or is it better that we can make mistakes and fix them and become better? I am inclined to think that I need a world where people mess up. That I would not want a world where mistakes rarely happen. There is something beautiful about failing and then getting up and trying again.

Mistakes mean that I can get hurt, and that others get hurt, and that really horrible things can happen. But people can also change. People can improve. And people can be loved even when they aren’t perfect.

Suffering can bring transformation. I love who I am right now, even though I am imperfect, and I love seeing myself grow and transform into someone a little better, a little different.

I learn to love others not because they are prefect, but because they are flawed. It is in the moments when a person makes a mistake when I rely on my love for them. I hold them close when they think they are failing, and they often reciprocate when I fail too.

We work to make the world a better place, but in order that work to happen, the world has to be full of mistakes and wrongs and suffering. Improvement only comes in imperfection.

Productivity Thoughts

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Being productive is more like going on a hike than floating down a river. And sometimes I am floating down a river, going with the flow of whatever happens next. It’s not productive, because I’m not actually going anywhere I need to be.

I need to plant my feet, let the water and the the distractions and the unimportant just flow away, and start heading towards a destination that I really want to go to. I can get momentum that way, but it’s momentum with purpose, instead of just going with the flow of whatever.

I can spend too long trying to figure out what direction I am going. I often just need stop planning and do the thing instead.

But sometimes I am doing the wrong things. I get caught climbing the wrong mountain, or climbing too many mountains, working with purpose towards something that has little worth. I need to simplify my like, because I often plan more than I can ever do. I need to prioritize. I need to eliminate things I don’t want to eliminate.

Sometimes my projects are long and slow, stretching out into years. But if I work small steps along the way, the finish line comes closer and closer.

Sometimes I get things done quickly, and then fix them later. And that can be a good way to work.

Sometimes I only do things poorly, or half-baked, and it never gets fixed, and that’s okay.

Sometimes I have to cross out some of my goals because other things are better.

Sometimes I slowly wade into something instead of jumping in. Sometimes I need to jump in more quickly. Sometimes wading in slowly is still fine–because I’m heading in the right direction. Keep going.

Sometimes I keep trying, but I give myself grace along the way, realizing that I am not perfect, but I’m trying.

Sometimes I have to remember that life is more than getting things done and it’s okay to have leisure time and to do things I want to do.

And sometimes I just mess up and do things completely wrong. But sometimes, I get things right.

Doldrums of Summer

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I really like structure, but I’m not good at self-imposed structure. Which means that summer break is hard. No structure. Just endless days of trying.

And I’m sort of done with it now. It’s fun in the beginning to have more time as a family and to feel free from the confines of school. But then there are days and days that I just have to figure out, not only for myself, but for the rest of my household. And that household is a lot sometimes. I have an almost-teenager who wants to be with friends all the time, an almost preteen who primarily plays video games, a scattered boy who is often imagining, and a little girl who thinks that I need to entertain her. And I also have two cats who poop by my front door, two geese who like to tear things apart with their bills, one duck who decided to go broody, and two baby ducks who are quickly growing into adults. And a turtle who likes the occasional strawberries. I also have a house and a yard that have their own needs that I don’t always meet very well.

We have gone camping and hiking and swimming and canoeing. We’ve gone on a bike ride and played with a slip ‘n slide. We’ve been to parades. We’ve had birthdays and parties. We’ve seen family. We’ve gone to national parks and state parks and city parks.

We’ve had some awesome experiences. And some really good little experiences too. And I am really grateful for all those good summer moments.

But so many messes. So much complaining.

I miss structure. I miss needing to be places and do things because other people are expecting me to show up. I miss my own school. I miss my kids having structure. I just don’t love being home with them all day for days on end. We usually go lots of places so that we’re not home all the time, but sometimes we get sick of going places too.

I miss school lunch. I miss my kids’ teachers. They are wonderful, and they deserve a good break (and better support and more pay). They enable my kids to be better. They help me so much in raising my kids to be the best version of themselves. It’s hard to do it without them during the summer months.

If you are struggling with summer, you are not alone. It’s hot and tiring and itchy and exhausting.

I will keep going, and do the best I can to enjoy the rest of my summer. We still have great things planned: more camping, more hiking, more canoeing, more fishing.

There are only 26 more days . . . that’s the number of letters in the alphabet . . . maybe I can making something fun out of that . . .

Hoyt family at a waterfall

(That waterfall was a highlight so far this summer.)

Some Thoughts

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Editing sometimes focuses too much on the mistakes and weakness. I want to cross out everything I don’t like and reanalyze every word that doesn’t work quite right. But editing works better if I remember to look at what I’m doing well and build on that instead. The same often goes for life and relationships: instead of only seeing what could be better, look at what is doing really great and build on it.

There isn’t usually a best solution to difficult human problems. There are many solutions, some are somewhat better than others. Some sound crazy, but they would work. Some sound sensible, but they don’t work at all. Eventually, you just have to stop arguing and overanalyzing, try a solution out, see what happens, and then do something even better from what you’ve learned.

It’s easier to be successful in certain ways if a person has more wealth. Money can be used to pay for extra lessons, tutors, supplies, gear, or travel. It’s not fair, and it’s hard to compare when you don’t have the same advantages as someone else. But usually the success that money can buy isn’t the most important type of success anyway.

Three Random Thoughts Lately

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We should all have our own coaches and cheerleaders to help us get through life. People who encourage us, who help keep us accountable, and who help us press forward when it gets tough. Sometimes I don’t share my goals, which is not helpful for me or for others. It’s better to share so we can all help each other.

Sometimes I hate cleaning up just as much as my children do. I have to make it fun for myself too. I see how much I can clean in five minutes. I time myself to see how long it takes to deep clean my kitchen. I record time lapses of myself cleaning, or text my husband before and after pictures. And I always either watch a movie or listen to an audiobook while folding laundry.

I have generally been taught not to gossip, but I would rather live in a world where people gossiped about each other than a world where no one talked about others at all. I hope people do talk about me behind my back, because then they at least care in some way about me. Sometimes gossip can lead to helping other people. It can lead to a sense of community. Gossip helps us keep in contact and informed about the people around us.

Gossip can be mean, founded on lies and meat to make other people hurt. But talking about other people is an important part of life and living and being neighbors and friends.

This is a picture I took to prove that I had cleaned my floors. My youngest daughter spilled both flour and sugar on the floor shortly after the picture was taken. My oldest two kids did their best to clean it up.

Transform

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Pain shifts me away from pride and I face the unknown. Uncertain, I embrace the darkness, except for it’s not dark, because there is a fire and it transforms and refines. Pain is the best part of being human. I change as humility allows the disposal of false beliefs. I become beautiful in the unknowing. Doubt births my faith: I no longer know, but I believe.