Schedule or Routine

I recently read a homeschooling book (The Brave Learner by Julie Bogart) that said that you should focus on routines instead of schedule.

What’s the difference between a routine and a schedule? It’s time for some definitions from Google:

A routine is “a sequence of actions regularly followed”

A schedule is “a plan for carrying out a process or procedure, giving lists of intended events and times.”

This is incredibly helpful for homeschooling, because sometimes we have days off. We can’t really meet deadlines and sometimes we end up doing things before deadlines. When the kids wanted to work on their handwriting books and finish them that day, I let them. There are days we spend reading all the time. And then we drop back into our routine (journals, workbooks, etc.).

Sometimes putting dates on everything makes life a little bit too stressful, especially when those dates and schedules are our own expectations in the first place.

I think there are times for schedules. I’ve made schedules to finish books and classes. But sometimes we put expectations on ourselves that we just don’t need and we forget why we are doing things in favor of keeping our schedule.

Schedules are helpful, but they are a means to an end, not the end itself. If schedules become more important than people, than that’s a problems.

Routines can be helpful too, and at times they can be more helpful than schedules because they are in place when they need to be, and then when life happens, they can be put aside while we deal with things.

And when you are behind schedule, since you can’t change the past, then your schedule has simply changed.

Parenting Goals

Mostly positive attention for my kids
Listening instead of lecturing
Compassion and love
Setting a good example
Apologizing for my mistakes
Guiding and helping more than punishment
Always keep a respectful voice
Yelling is only for emergencies
Setting clear limits and rules
Teach children what is right and what is wrong
Never, ever help my children do the wrong thing
Lots of wholesome recreation and time together
Gentleness, meekness, kindness, and mostly love

Good parenting is two things: first, love and compassion (mercy). Second, setting limits and teaching right and wrong (justice). You need both working together.

Questions to ask for conversation

Is there anything new happening?

What are some challenges you have right now?

What sort of music do you like?

What hobbies do you enjoy?

Have you read any good books lately?

Where did you grow up?

Watched any good TV shows lately?

What projects are you involved in?

What do you like to learn about?

Is there anything you would like to learn?

How do your religion and beliefs affect your life?

Do you have any good recipes?

What are the things that you struggle with and what are the things you feel you are doing good at?

What do you wish you could do but you never get around to it?

What is a regret that you have and how did you learn from that?

What have you learned from the people you love?

Where have you lived over the years?

What is your family like?

Technology

(written a few months ago)

My five-year-old son had a meltdown today because I suggested he had to play outside before getting on the tablet. So I made a decision that we were going to take the week off of technology.

The tablet is set up for educational purposes. The kid wanted to do math. But I feel like there is something wrong when not doing math right away somehow causes meltdowns. He gets a thrill from working on the tablet. The kid loves screens. But I want him to see there is more to life.

Our schools can applaud the fact they use so much technology. It improves test scores. It can increase how much they learn. In some ways, it is good. I’m not against it, really.

But then I wonder: are we forgetting how to create? How to play? How to connect with others? Technology makes everything so easy so maybe we forget how to do hard things.

I’m reading a book about a little boy who goes and herds cattle when he is eight or nine years old. He knows how to work hard. My kids barely help me clean the house.

Sure, the kids might be smart from all the technology, but have we overvalued being smart and sacrificed other values, like hard work, compassion, creativity, self-control, and basic morality?

So we will have a break. I want my kids to be smart too, but technology should not be their priority.

***

I teach 16/17-year-olds in a class at church. One kid does not have a smartphone. I told him that means his parents love him. I mentioned how much I regulate my own phone: no browser, no games, just the things that actually help my life. Depriving yourself of some things can open up the world.

***

Update: We have done less technology lately and I like it. My kids watch television, but there is almost always a time limit every day for them and they don’t complain when it shuts off automatically. We listen to podcasts and audiobooks of car rides. My kids read actual physical books quite a lot. They sometimes ask to play on my computer, but I rarely let them. We do play Pokemon Go sometimes, but not too frequently. We have an Amazon Alexa Dot and my kids enjoy that, but there is no screen involved.

I am happier (and probably smarter) when I watch less YouTube videos, when I read less random articles on the internet, and when I am going outside and reading books more often.

I liked a quote I heard recently that technology should be a servant, not a master, and I completely agree. Also, there are lots of other things that fall into this category of being a better servant than a master, like money or fire or hobbies or careers or entertainment or homes or just about anything. Because what we really want our values to be are things like serving God, helping others, building families, and becoming better people, and when we prioritize other things, our life gets out of balance.

A collection of thoughts

I think it’s dangerous to make simple issues complicated or to make complicated issues simple. We like to do a lot of both, but we should try to remember the complexity as it really is.

***

You don’t discover who you are as much as choose who you are. I think it’s dangerous to think you need to discover your true self. It’s a lot more useful to go and try things and choose what works best.

***

Sometimes we need to zoom out on the moments in our life. My kids might all be crying and complaining, but I don’t think I’ll really remember that. I’ll tell myself a completely different story about this time of my life in five or ten or twenty years.

We believe the stories we tell ourselves.

***

Do you remember what the internet used to be like? It was a whole bunch of information and text at one point, hand-coded html that was entirely simple. There was email and search engines and that was the internet. I sort of miss it. It’s so commercialized and manipulative now in some ways.

And then there was a time when the internet didn’t exist, and the computer consisted of word processing and games and programs (not apps, programs) that had specific purposes to help your life. In a way, I wish my kids could experience that. It seems simpler. But I suppose the technology we have is fine–today, they listened to music by telling a speaker what to do and they learned math by looking on my phone.

Stages of life

Baby. Incredibly fast learning and growing.

Toddler and preschool. Discovery that there is a physical world.

Elementary. Discovery of self in that world.

Middle school. Loss of self as the world gets bigger and more metaphysical.

High school. Rebuilding self in expanding circle.

Young adult. Connecting with the world as it really is.

Adult. Parent. It repeats.

Parenting babies. Fast learning and growing as a parent.

Parenting toddlers and preschoolers. Physical and fundamental teaching and parenting.

Elementary. Intensely guiding your children the best you can.

Middle school. Starting to let the kids make their own choices.

High school. Take a back seat role of support.

Young adult. Letting your children go.

And rediscover yourself again and again, the self that exists after parenting expanding you to something different.

We move from stage to stage, bored and busy, loud and quiet, tired and energetic, connected and lost.

Grandparent. Great-grandparent. It repeats.

In circles, one things remain: we must choose. 

Recent life hacks

Rituals are really helpful in order to express love. We love our children and our spouse and our family, but often we just think expressions of love will happen naturally and spontaneously. They don’t. We have to plan it a bit.

Love means that we always kiss each other good night. Or that we tuck kids into bed and sing them a song. Or we call our moms every Wednesday. Or that we make take time to wrestle every day at 4:00. Or we cuddle every evening. Or we end conversations with, “I love you.”

Everyone wants something dependable and safe, and creating rituals of love can be so helpful in feeling more loved and showing that love more often.

***

Two days ago, I watched a video on YouTube by Jordan Page about a block schedule productivity system. I’m always looking for better ways to manage my life, and this one wasn’t entirely unique, but yet it was just what I needed at the time.

She basically separates her days into a few large blocks, with a timer on the phone to tell her when it’s the next block. I really liked it because instead of using lots of small blocks of time, it was a few big blocks of time, generally categorized but flexible and not too specific. And it was pretty much what I was already doing, but just a slight improvement on it.

For me, I came up with the following blocks:

  • Morning (6-9). Wake-up, scriptures, prayers, mental health, exercise, family scripture study, breakfast, showers, kids ready, cleaning, home projects.
  • Learning (9-12). Homeschool and playing with kids.
  • Lunch (12-1). Lunch and clean up.
  • Projects (1-3). The kids watch movies or play. I work on school, blogging, and other projects.
  • Family/errands (3-5). Time to play outside, go and do things, etc.
  • Dinner (5-7). Dinner, clean up, and whatever.
  • Bed time (7-8). Tubs, stories, bed.
  • Evening (8-10). I catch up on projects and spend time with my husband.
  • Sleep (10-6).

It’s pretty easy. What was super helpful to me was I organizing my to-do list by block. It sort of just made things fall into place more. Instead of thinking what I needed to get done, I was planning on when I was doing it and then not worrying quite as much.

 

Gratitude, Fear, and Perspective

Having less often means that you are more grateful. Isn’t that silly? I just heard Brene Brown talk about how when we are really happy and things are going really well, we usually are expecting something horrible to happen. We don’t let ourselves feel joy. We don’t let ourselves be truly grateful for the absolutely amazing things we have. It’s okay to be grateful. It’s okay that you have a lot and that you recognize that. Life is unfair–but sometimes that works in our favor, and we can recognize the absolutely amazing blessings we have.

Fear makes us do stupid things. I get scared of getting tired, and so I don’t do anything (and I feel tired). I get scared of being sick, so I don’t fully engage in life or take care of problems when they happen. I’m scared of talking to people, so I end up being super awkward. Fear isn’t rational. Fear doesn’t lead us down good paths.

Sometimes, it has been useful to me to zoom out on my life. We can get so stuck in avoiding those small moments of pain that we totally forget about the big picture. It’s good to remember the good picture: everything goes away. Right now is all we have.

The Lie of Happily Ever After

Marriage isn’t about true love. It’s not about finding the perfect person. It’s about finding someone who has potential and a person we can grow with and improve.

It’s okay to marry someone with different strengths and weaknesses, even if some other people might feel that they are marrying up or down. Sometimes we just don’t understand and that’s okay. We don’t have to.

We all have rough patches and we shouldn’t be judged by them. We all have really good moments too.

We can stick with each other in mistakes and trials. Life is not a happily ever after. No one has the ideal life. We all just keep working and trying our best.

(written January 2018)

Things that have helped me through doubt

  • Remembering good experiences
  • Relying on my heritage and the faith of others
  • Remembering what faith and hope is
  • Continuing to obey the commandments
  • Writing things down
  • Doubt my doubts
  • Realizing I don’t have to have all the answers
  • Embracing questions
  • Serving others
  • Seeking the wisdom of God
  • Relying on love
  • Knowing God loves me
  • Priesthood blessings
  • Wanting to believe
  • Writing down reasons to believe
  • Searching out balanced sources, and trying to avoid heated ones
  • Trying to do God’s will instead of my will
  • Seeing the good in the things around me
  • Learning the stories of my ancestors
  • Reading my scriptures
  • Reading general conference talks and studying them.

(Note: I’m going through post ideas from long ago that I never finished and posting them up for the next few days.)