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  • He is in the details

    He is in the details

    Sometimes it’s hard to see the Lord’s hand in our lives, but sometimes that’s because we don’t have the right perspective.

    I was thinking of pointillism paintings where you have to look closely to see the paint strokes and you have to look far away to see the picture. You need both perspectives to understand the painting.

    We may have to look really closely to see the Lord’s help in our life, because he helps with very small things that are easily dismissed. We have so many blessings that we don’t always even notice: How many times have we prayed to be safe and we have remained safe? How many times have our finances worked out exactly right, like having the right amount of savings or finding good deals right when we need them? I have been given strength and happiness in difficult circumstances. We’ve had really good days when I’ve been able to know what to do and say with my children. I’ve been able to complete school work quickly. I’ve had opportunities at the right time. I’ve had such good friendships. And so many blessings have come from a loving Heavenly Father, if I choose to look at them.

    For a long time, I wanted to be able to live in a town and send my kids to school and live a more normal life. It’s not what I have right now: we homeschool and we live far away from a small town and life is different. But it’s not bad either. I’ve prayed and hoped that things would change, and they didn’t change. But I’m okay with that right now, because I’ve been blessed in so many small ways: I found good books and ideas that helps us with homeschool. I’ve been able to think of myself in a new and better way. I never thought I could really teach, but now there are days that I absolutely love it. I’ve had inspiration, like I put the TV away for most of the week and we were so much happier. I’ve been able to complete projects on my computer more quickly so I can spend time with my kids.

    I have felt this :

    And now, my brethren, I desire that ye shall plant this word in your hearts, and as it beginneth to swell even so nourish it by your faith. And behold, it will become a tree, springing up in you unto everlasting life. And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will. Amen. (Alma 33:23)

    While I do ask for specific blessings that don’t happen, there are also so many times I am blessed in better ways that I could have not expected.

    I have to look at the details, and sometimes I need to zoom out and see the overall perspective as well. I get too caught up in negative moments, thinking that hard times will last forever (they don’t). I believe in a life after this one, that everything will be made right. I don’t need to have everything right now. I want to progress and grow and change, and that requires patience with myself and trust in the the Lord’s timing.

  • Remembering Humility

    Remembering Humility

    I love school, but I have to watch myself sometimes. I have always gotten good grades, but those grades are not reflective of my self-worth, my intelligence, how hard I work, or how much I know. I am not better than anyone because of my grades. They don’t really mean much at all.

    Learning in school is good, but it’s not the only way to learn and discover truth. People who are not educated can be successful and intelligent. People who are highly educated can make mistakes and do stupid things.

    Knowledge can be like a box of colorful beads. Some of these beads look shinier than others, and so we say that they are better. But it’s all knowledge. It’s all truth, and it doesn’t really matter what color the beads are.

    I really want to keep learning in lots of different ways. Humility means that I always remember that I have more to learn and I can continually progress. There is so much to learn and do outside of school and outside of careers. The life I have at home with my children is the best learning experience I have ever had.

    You may at times feel inadequate because you don’t meet someone else’s standards. But that doesn’t really matter. You are qualified and adequate, mostly because you are still learning.

    There is so much knowledge out there. And we never really know much at all, no matter how educated we get.

  • Hypocrisy

    Hypocrisy

    I was angry with my husband the other day. I really sort of wanted to be angry at him. It didn’t last long, because as I was talking, I realized I was being a complete hypocrite.

    I was doing EXACTLY what I was mad at him for doing. I was holding grudges. I was not forgiving. I was picking fights. I was being distant and distracted. And I wanted to blame it on him, but it was totally and completely my fault.

    In fact, when I think about it, I often try to blame my own faults on other people. Like thinking that no one invites me anywhere when I don’t invite anyone either. Or thinking that everyone else is cranky, which is a sure sign that I am the cranky one. Whenever I feel tired, it’s okay if I don’t do as much. But if someone else is tired, I get can sometimes get mad at them for being tired. It’s ridiculous.

    But it doesn’t seem ridiculous in the moment. Only when I take a step back do I realize that I am being a hypocrite, and I am putting different expectations on others than I am on myself.

    I think I hate the faults of others the most when they reflect my own faults. I don’t want to admit my own weakness and so it’s a lot easier to just push the blame elsewhere. But I do have a lot of faults. I’m selfish and proud and distracted and lazy. I stay inside my comfort zone too often and I expect too much from others.

    So I’m going to try to be a little bit more humble and try to keep improving my own self instead of blaming the problems of my life on others. It’s hard. But it’s good too: if things are my fault, that means I can fix them.

    ,

  • 10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Reduce Depression, Anxiety, and Irritability

    10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Reduce Depression, Anxiety, and Irritability

    1. Go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time.

    If sleeping is a problem, research good sleep hygiene and do the little things, like not watching television or eating or exercising before bed, having a good routine to wind down, and learning relaxation techniques and thought defusion techniques in order to calm worries and anxieties. I can not compromise sleep or I pay for it. Sometimes if I stay up late, I find that I’m acting like a different person the next day.

    2. Eat regular and healthy meals and snacks and drink lots of water.

    We all have our bad eating tendences. I tend to not eat enough sometimes, and so I have to remind myself to have snacks, eat more fruits and veggies, and not forget to eat. Some people snack throughout the whole day. Other people eat too much sugar or too much salt. But while bad eating habits are all bad in their own way, good eating habits look alike: more fruits and veggies and whole grains; less sugar; breakfast, lunch, and dinner; concrete snack instead of grazing; mindfulness about what you are eating. And drink water. I’ve lived half my life minorly dehydrated and it’s not healthy.

    3. Exercise and regular physical activity.

    Exercising for ten or twenty minutes in the morning and then sitting for the rest of the day is really not the best. I’m trying to live a more active lifestyle, and that can be hard. I try to play with my kids and go on walks and resist laziness. And I do like to formally exercise as well. I have a lot of different apps on my phone I switch between, like 7-minute workouts and yoga. I still want to improve on this–I want to feel stronger, and I know vigorous walking is a really good way to clear my mind.

    4. Spend time outside.

    I find myself incredibly happier when I spend more time outside. But in our modern lives, sometimes there is barely reason to go outside. We make excuses if it is hot or raining or snowing or whatever, but with proper preparation, you can be outside in almost every kind of weather, at least for a minute. Whenever I go camping, I feel this release when I have to be outside to cook and go to the bathroom and live. I wonder why we’ve made our lives so closed out to the outside world sometimes. Kick your kids outside to play and you’ll find that they are way less cranky–and if you go join them, you’re going to be less cranky too.

    5. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation

    You’ve probably heard about this because it’s everywhere right now, and there are so many guides and apps out there. I am not a very mindful person and meditation is incredibly difficult for me, which is why I keep trying anyway. I need it to calm my mind and to remember what I value. And you don’t have to be good at it to be good at doing it. A week of distracted meditation is better than a week of no meditation. Just keep trying.

    6. Limit screen time

    How many times do you check your phone? How much time do you spend staring at a screen? Even if you do it for work or school, is there a way you can reduce it? I get constantly distracted on my phone and my computer, but I put blocks into place to help me. I usually have my web browser blocked on my phone so I can’t access the entire internet, and I never install games. And on my computer, I have an app called FocusMe (which I paid for, and it was worth it), which helps me block things without easy ways of getting to them again.

    7. Simplify

    There are lots of ways to simplify your life. You can get rid of stuff: when you look in a closet and the only things in there are the things you use and you love, you feel a whole lot calmer. We try to only have toys we really play with. It’s so nice to be have space around you and room to breathe. The joy of having a simpler life is much greater than the joy of having lots of stuff. And you can simplify your time too. What projects can you drop? How can you simplify errands and routines? How can you simplify parenting? How can you simplify your finances? If there is a way to simplify, that way may be a better way.

    8. Set regular routines and follow them

    You don’t have to have routines for the whole day, just small routines that help you know where you are. I wake up and read my scriptures, say my prayers, meditate, exercise, eat breakfast, read scriptures as a family, get in the shower, and get my kids dressed. If I do that every morning, my days go so much better. In the evening, we put the kids in the tub, brush teeth, and then read stories and say prayers. Kids like routine. Adults like routine. Life should have some stability to it.

    9. Serve others and increase social interaction

    Isolating yourself is really easy, but it will make you miserable. We need face-to-face interaction with other people. And we need to serve other people too. I’m always much happier when I serve, and sometimes it means that I drop what I’m doing in order to send a message, make a phone call, go visit, say hello, or edit something for someone. Making someone else happy in meaningful ways increases your own happiness.

    10. Prayer and Scripture Study

    My daily prayer and scripture study is essential to my life and my mental health. I need the Lord’s help in all of this. We all do.

    ,

  • More Blessed to Give

    More Blessed to Give

    I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive. (Acts 20:35)

    Sometimes I think I want blessings like these:

    • Owning my own house that is well-decorated with a beautiful garden
    • Figuring out a perfect schedule that enables me to always be on task and accomplish everything
    • More money and better stuff that works and doesn’t break
    • Being able to see people that are fun to be around
    • Living where I would like to live, in a convenient place with lots of good people

    But instead, throughout my life I have received blessings more like these:

    • Living in an area that was fairly low-income with people that needed a lot of help and support
    • Visiting with people that were overwhelmed with their own problems
    • Living in highly inconvenient places and making friends with people who are not like me at all
    • Learning hard lessons and then being able to share and help other people because I’ve been there
    • Becoming really good friends through people I have helped and who have helped me

    And looking back on my life, I have had much greater satisfaction when I have been able to give. It’s not very meaningful to get everything you want for your birthday. It’s not very interesting when life is easy and you have everything you ever wanted.

    We like to struggle. And we like to help each other in that struggle. The best relationships I have are built through serving and loving–people I have served and people who have helped me. Those relationships are much stronger than sharing common interests. They mean a whole lot more.

    And those relationships are the basis of a good and happy life. My greatest blessings in my life have been the opportunities I have been given to help other people. I would always give up an easy and rich and fortunate life if that meant that I could develop meaningful relationships and be in a position to help others.

    I didn’t realize that when I was younger–my dreams and goals were more about myself than about helping other people. And I’m so glad life has gone in a very different direction, and the Lord has blessed me so much in unexpected ways.

  • Improving Bad Habits and Behaviors

    Improving Bad Habits and Behaviors

    We all have many brain pathways that make life a lot easier, good habits that help us: brushing our teeth, eating meals, getting dressed, turning the lights off, cleaning up, holding our tongues, smiling and waving, and all of those sorts of things.

    But we also have pathways that are not so positive, like checking our phones constantly, yelling, feeling down and depressed, or staying up late.

    I have dealt with mood swings and feeling of depression for quite a lot of my life, and it’s really easy to fall back into that again. I’ll do really good for a while, only to have a bad day. Misery can become a habit.

    And when bad habits and behaviors keep coming back again and again, it can be really frustrating. We rationally know that we want to stop doing that, but then we keep doing it anyway because it’s so easy.

    Change can take a while. And sometimes we need to understand that in order for change to happen, we have to consciously steer our brains away from habitual behavior for quite a long time, longer than we really want to. Deciding that we want to change is not enough; we have to put in the effort to actually make that change happen.

    For example, I really like to watch YouTube videos when I am bored or distressed. And it’s really easy just to click on the site and watch video after video. It can be really habitual, and it’s not something I like about myself. I have an app that blocks certain websites, and for a while I flat out blocked YouTube from my life.

    I stopped thinking about it. I stopped doing it. It would seem like I conquered my bad habit. But when I re-enabled YouTube again, guess what happened? I started habitually watching videos again. So I blocked it again.

    And I’m realized that the longer something has been around, sometimes the longer you have to work on getting rid of it. I don’t know if certain pathways ever really go away all the way–because if you did it once, it’s so much easier to do it again.

    But the atonement of Jesus Christ can help strengthen us and become new people. Change can happen. For some people, it happens in an instant, but for most of us, it takes longer. The point is that we don’t give up, that we keep coming back to what we value, and we keep seeking hope and repentance and healing.

    And then, maybe years and years later, we can look back and see that we are better and new, and it’s so much easier to do the right thing.

    ,

  • Parenting Goals

    Parenting Goals

    Mostly positive attention for my kids
    Listening instead of lecturing
    Compassion and love
    Setting a good example
    Apologizing for my mistakes
    Guiding and helping more than punishment
    Always keep a respectful voice
    Yelling is only for emergencies
    Setting clear limits and rules
    Teach children what is right and what is wrong
    Never, ever help my children do the wrong thing
    Lots of wholesome recreation and time together
    Gentleness, meekness, kindness, and mostly love

    Good parenting is two things: first, love and compassion (mercy). Second, setting limits and teaching right and wrong (justice). You need both working together.

  • Common Chaos

    Common Chaos

    I was at a friend’s house a few weeks ago and our kids were playing with each other. It was hot and her kids had gotten out the hose. She had a sliding glass door in the back, and it ended up that they sprayed the hose into the house.

    It was a moment of chaos, but I have so many of those moments myself, so it felt so nice that I wasn’t alone. Sometimes we imagine that everyone has it together better than we do. But they don’t. We all have those moments of chaos, and it’s not something we need to hide. It’s something we can share, because we have all been there.

    We have moments like these:

    • A kid punches his brother in the face
    • A toddler spills shampoo in the carpet
    • A kid drops and breaks a phone or a tablet
    • Every single toy in the entire house is not where it belongs
    • Dirty clothes get mixed up with clean clothes and they are all on the floor
    • We end up late and behind to important events
    • A kid throws up on vacation
    • Our kids cry for absolutely ridiculous reasons
    • We forget to respond to texts and messages
    • Everyone wants to talk to us at the same time
    • We lose a small child
    • Our kids are screaming or we are screaming
    • Disasters happen like huge messes and neglecting important things

    Life gets messy and chaotic and we are all in this together. Sometimes it’s better to show someone your chaos because then they know that they aren’t alone.

  • The World Changes: Forecasting & Fortune Telling

    The World Changes: Forecasting & Fortune Telling

    I was having a conversation with my brother today, and he asked me something about the future, about what I think would happen.

    I basically said that I had no idea, because the world changes. And sometimes we don’t even realize all the changes that are happening until we look back at them.

    Forecasting is more like trying to be a fortune teller sometimes. It can be incredibly inaccurate because it rests on the premise that the future is going to be like the past. We assume that trends will continue and we project without being able to know the unexpected.

    Things make sense when you are looking backward. Things sometimes don’t make sense at all when we are looking forward.

    Population forecasts, stock forecasts, housing forecasts, weather forecasts, climate forecasts: they might be right, but they could also be very wrong. Things may change, things we don’t expect. Trends change.

    So I’m optimistic, because I’m a lot happier that way, even if the forecasts seem like doom and gloom. The world might end tomorrow, but I really doubt it.

  • Experience and Bias

    Experience and Bias

    I am a white female and I was raised in a religious and conservative town that has now grown to a large suburb with a lot of tech jobs. I have lived in northern Nevada and eastern Wyoming and quite a few places in Utah, and I have never left the United States. I can’t get away from my experience and where I came from, and I don’t want to, but that also comes with certain biases that I can’t get rid of. I have had a lot of privilege and opportunities in life, like scholarships and financial support and free housing. In some ways, my life has been really easy. In other ways, it’s been sort of difficult. My life is unique, and while I can try to understand others, I don’t really know what’s it like for them.

    I don’t know what it is like for a lot of people out there. I can try to learn the best I can, but I don’t know what it’s like to be black or Mexican or be raised by a single parent. I don’t know what’s it’s like to be a refugee or what it’s like to be evicted from the only home I have. I don’t know what it’s like to have disability or to look different from other people. I also don’t know what it’s like to be rich.

    I can’t get rid of the privilege and blessings I enjoy. I have a certain viewpoint from my experience, and it’s not necessarily right all the time.

    I can say that I’m not racist or homophobic or prejudiced, but that’s not really true. I don’t want to be, but I can’t get away from my own experience. Sometimes I’m not sure what to say or do. Sometimes I think or say offensive things. I don’t mean to. I work on learning more about other people and other experiences, but I can’t ever fully understand. I can listen, though. I can learn a little bit more. I can keep working on it, but I’ll never be perfect.

    Sometimes we view the world from our own viewpoint and not realize that we can only see one part of the picture in our own framework.

    My DNA is very European. I come from ancestors who immigrated from places like England and Scotland and Germany and who came to the United States and settled here. They are basically are the winners of history in a way: they fought and they won. But that means there were losers too. I don’t know what parts of history were right or wrong; it just happened. And I can’t change what happened, even if it doesn’t always follow the same values people talk about today.

    I’m not ever going to see the whole picture of life, but I don’t want to be the sort of person that thinks I’m right because I’m coming from my own experience. Sometimes I’m wrong. Sometimes I can’t understand why I’m wrong. But I’ll keep learning and working on it anyway.

    Sometimes we think, because we are privileged and have certain opportunities, that all other people enjoy the same thing. But they don’t. Some people have it a lot harder than we do, and while we can easily judge them and determine how they should do better to fix their lives, usually we just don’t understand yet.

    You can’t really understand unless you experience and live through something. So we don’t have to be competing against each other; we just have to help make room for each other and help each other out, and sometimes to ask how to do that when we don’t really know how. We can have empathy and compassion by trying to understand the best we can and realize that it will always fall a bit short.