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Self-Sacrifice Burnout: When It’s Okay to Hurt
So I’ve recently heard of the idea of “pathological altruism”: engaging in altruist acts that are actually harmful. While that category is quite broad, part of it includes people self-sacrificing in order to help others to the point that they face extreme burnout and harm to their health and well-being.
Why is that bad?
I think it can be laudable to sacrifice, even to the point where it hurts you. Many people sacrifice their lives, basically everything they have, in order to help others. I have deep respect and admiration for those people. I want to be more like that.
We don’t want people to sacrifice for us. We don’t like to see others suffer. We say that they need to take care of themselves first.
But if someone dedicates their life to others, they take care of themselves only as a means to other ends. The bad thing about burnout is it means you can’t help other people anymore.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t need to be a priority. It’s just a helpful thing to do so that you can take care of others.
And that means that if you dedicate yourself to help, it will hurt sometimes. It will mean long hours and exhausting days. It can be difficult and hard.
Nights without sleep helping children.
Coming home hungry after a long time at work.
Talking to someone in a crisis and crying in empathy.
Dropping everything and driving hours and hours because they need you.
Looking at an almost empty bank account and donating anyway.Those are not problematic moments. They are sacred.
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Mental Health Day = Show Up Anyway
I have heard sometimes that people take a mental health day and they miss school/work/etc. in order to take care of their mental health. I am skeptical. I think often the best thing we can do for our mental health is to show up, especially when we don’t feel like it.
Recently, I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed. But I felt stressed and overwhelmed when I was at home, not getting the schoolwork done. Going to school and working helped reduce my stress. Being around other people in a similar situation actually helped my negativity to dissipate. Talking to others helped more with my mental health than staying home would have.
I know when I am feeling down and depressed, I do want to stay home. I very much want to not show up, and just take some time off. But the great majority of times when I show up, even when I don’t want to, I feel better. I’m glad I went.
Chronic absenteeism is a huge problem in schools right now. Students aren’t showing up. And part of this problem might possibly be that people think they need to feel good to show up. And if they feel bad, they stay home. But just makes them feel worse. And so they stay home more.
Now, there might be some situations when people need breaks. Breaks are good and healthy. However, I have found in my own situation that the structure of showing up regularly does much more good for my mental health than breaks ever do. Breaks are better when they scheduled and intentional, not just randomly missing because you don’t feel like going.
So if you don’t feel like going to school and work, do it anyway. Show up for yourself.
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How to come up with ideas
- Fill up the blank space. Just go for it. Release yourself of expectations of doing something good and just do something. Starting with something horrible is easier than starting with nothing.
- Make connections. I like to connect different ideas that seem unrelated and something new and beautiful starts developing. A singular idea is usually rarely new–but it becomes new when connected to something unexpected.
- Journal and notetaking. If you don’t write down your thoughts, then the thoughts are forgotten.
- Read, watch, listen. Keep reading and experiencing, all different types of stuff, and pay attention.
- Criticize. Figuring out what you think is wrong can be a good way to discover what you think is right.
- Ask and answer questions.
- Talk with others. I get really good ideas when I’m talking with people. The combination of their thoughts and my thoughts together can go in really unexpected places.
- Randomness and play. Sometimes you need to stop looking in order to find something. Embrace the random. Use random generators. Play around. And a new idea might come out of it.
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Friction between dreams and reality
When we are young, we are told to dream. And then we grow up, and the world burns up our dreams and we have to figure out what to do with the charred remnants.
So I had a dream of being a writer when I was young. And then I grew up and discovered that my dream didn’t really exist. And I think this is true of most dream jobs: they only exist in dream land.
I’m currently going to graduate school in philosophy, and the job market for philosophy PhDs is absolutely brutal. Too many applicants. Not enough jobs. And the jobs don’t always fit right.
There is a friction there: On one side, there is what you want and who you are. On the other side, there is what other people want and need and what they are willing to pay you for. Those two sides don’t always match up very well.
So to achieve success, you have to do things you don’t want to do. And sometimes the success you thought you wanted isn’t worth it.
This friction manifests it in many other ways, which may become insurmountable obstacles to your dreams:
- You get your dream job and discover you actually hate it.
- Your dream job doesn’t actually exist in the world.
- You have a specific skill set that doesn’t work for the job market.
- Your skills are unappreciated by managers who want to go in different directions.
- You have too narrow or too broad interests/skills for what employers or others want.
- You can only get paid well for something you don’t love to do.
- If you get paid for what you love to do, you might stop loving it.
- You work hard in your job and never get recognized and never get promotions.
- You love a certain field but you aren’t actually very skilled at it.
Job market friction can be like burning. It’s burning down your dreams.
So how do you deal with is?
Here are something helpful things to remember:
- Who you are is not what you do
- Your self-worth is not dependent on your financial worth
- Small success can be as valuable as large success
- Life can be longer than you think, and you can reinvent yourself multiple times
- It’s okay to change your pathway
- Relationships with people bring more joy than achieving success
- Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to do the things that you do want to do
- Having a small impact can be good enough
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Goals and Climbing Mountains
A while ago, I joined the Proper Mountain Woman club for a season after a friend told me about it. My sister, Liz, also joined, and we had a lot of fun earning merit badges and completing and sharing projects. I did not continue membership in that club, though it was a fun experience. But Liz and I had both shared our progress with each other, and we wanted to continue to do so.
So Liz created a Discord server where we could continue to share the goals we had finished. We invited our other sisters as well. We do seasonal goals–winter, spring, summer, fall–with a few ranks that we can earn. You can get a rainbow rank for completing a goal in each category (spiritual, social, physical, intellectual, service, family, home and garden, career, nature, fun, food and finance, creative). Or a mountain rank for sharing 50 accomplishments and completing a large project. We also share ideas for different goals we can set.
This changed my life.
Since I was little, my dad would sit with me and we would set goals. I always loved to plan and set goals for myself, and I was fairly good at accomplishing them. I wasn’t the sort of person that would set New Year’s resolutions once a year and then forget about them completely. While I definitely fail at my goals sometimes, goal setting has helped me focus my life and spend my time in worthwhile pursuits.
But before, sometimes my goals were more of a to-do list that I just wanted to check off and forget. If you think of most to-do list apps, when you get something done, it disappears, checked off forever. Even in a to-do list, you often will scribble something out. This can be effective for certain things, like daily tasks. But it’s a bit discouraging when all you are looking at is the things that still need to get done, a list that never ends.
When I started reporting my goals to my sisters, though, I was doing the opposite.
I have a spreadsheet now that I track my seasonal goals with. I write down what I want to do in a season, and when I finish something, I literally highlight it in a bright color. And so whenever I’m planning, I already feel quite encouraged, and that gives me enthusiasm to do more.
Instead of crossing off my goals, I was highlighting sharing them. My focus changed from just getting stuff done to actually celebrating the thing that I was doing.
And it is so wonderful to share goals with other people, and have them share with you as well. It’s not at all about comparison, but about sharing and celebration. I love seeing what other people are accomplishing. It gives me added motivation. And I loved sharing projects with other people. It gives added meaning.
I think I am more proud of myself, and I mean that in a good way. I think there’s a negative version of pride, when we think we are better than others, but there is also a positive version, when we’re pleased with ourselves, when we know we are on the right track, and we feel more confident in our own abilities. There is a lot of satisfaction to know that you did something well–maybe not perfect, but good enough.
And I feel like I’m challenging myself better. Because it’s really hard to be completely self-motivated, to challenge yourself when no one sees the results. I have evidence now, evidence that I can share, that I am becoming a better person and do something meaningful with my life. And I see my sisters growing too. It’s powerful (and life-changing) to do it together.
TL;DR
- Stop checking everything off your list and highlight accomplishments instead.
- Find someone to share with: share your goals and the fun and good things you do with your life.
- Count the stuff that you did that wasn’t in your to-do list in the first place.
- Gamify your goals just a bit: have fun ranks that you can achieve.
- Set goals about things you want to do, not just things you feel like you should.
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Light in the darkness
I think I figured out what I want to write my dissertation on: it’s somewhat focused on self-interest, but also on altruism. I’m really curious about if we need to be self-interested or not. Do we need to take care of ourselves? Is it necessary that we worry about our own well-being? What about the people that sacrifice so much for the service of others?
Christmas time has always been a time of service for me. Sometimes I feel weird about it–I’m buying presents for my kids and spending so much money on my own family–but I also want to help other people too. I hear of some people who give all their Christmas money to others, while I find myself giving my children more presents than they really need (or even perhaps want). I wonder if I could be doing more good.
We visit Giving Machines. We contribute to charities. We take tags off the Giving Tree in the elementary school lobby and I have my kids pick out presents for others. I look at service projects in my community and try to sign up–play the piano at a hospital, clean up after an event, volunteer at the food pantry, make blankets.
And then my kids get sick and I have to cancel half of the things I volunteered for so I can stay home and take care of them. I feel conflicted about what is self-interested and what is serving others: did I volunteer just so I felt good about myself? Or because I felt it as a duty, but I didn’t really want to do it? Or did I genuinely care about someone besides myself?
I worry sometimes about the impacts I have on others. I have the biggest impact on my own children. I want them to learn to look outward. I make cookies and bring them to neighbors. I send out Christmas cards, but I am afraid I have forgotten people. I go and visit elderly friends and tell them I will return to visit another time because the visit is never long enough.
I tell my daughter that happiness comes in the service of others. But I don’t think I serve other people in order for me to feel happy. Instead, I serve them because I want them to be happy. And my own happiness comes as a by-product. It may be impossible to make someone else happy without making yourself happy as well.
How much do I need to give? How much do I want to give?
I look at the holiday displays people make and I wonder for a moment if all that money could have been given to charity instead. Yet, if everyone did that, we would not have the light filling up the dark space of December. And I love Christmas lights.
Perhaps there is simply enough to do all of it–to give presents to my children, to donate to charity, to help other people, to enjoy the twinkling colorful lights. Perhaps our time and money are not as scarce as we sometimes believe, and there is more than enough.
But that isn’t quite right, because sacrifice is necessary. Sacrifice is praiseworthy and good and beautiful.
I remember all the stories in my life about sacrifice: My grandma sewing clothes for my mom and surprising her during a meager year. My mom searching to give me a Furby, despite the fact that they are sold out everywhere. My husband buys a friend his only Christmas presents of the year, and even though it is a simple fruit cake, they share it gladly.
When there is scarcity, people give in service to others, even though it requires sacrifice. They prioritize others about themselves. And that is right. That is light.
I hear people on Instagram telling me that I should prioritize myself at Christmastime. That I can ask for presents and spend time for myself. But I don’t want to. I want to connect with others so much more than I ever want to receive for myself.
That connection means that I do receive: I am invited, included. Others wrap presents for me and put them under the tree because they love me. And I receive that with gratitude.
No moment of my life is about myself. It is always about someone else, above giving and serving and helping and maybe, maybe making someone else’s life just a little bit better. Whenever I have pursued my own self-interest just because of my own selfish desires (and it happens more frequently than I want to admit), it has drained my life of purpose and led to unhappiness.
The light that shines in the darkness is that we love each other, and that we are loved. We celebrate Jesus Christ who loved us so much that he gave everything to us. In ever gift I give and receive, I remember the greatest gift, a light to the world.
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Some Favorites from 2023
Places: Goblin Valley and Disneyland. I love Goblin Valley and we ended up going there twice this year, and it was loads of fun to walk around and explore. But Disneyland is magical, even if it is this weirdly artificial sort of magic, and I’m glad we went.
Discovery: Laziness is okay. It’s okay to not get things done all the time or not to complete assignments when they aren’t really required or to clean your house when you feel like it. I still also value working hard and not squandering away my time, but I don’t always need to be working.
TV: Strange New Worlds. I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek, but Strange New Worlds was the most fun.
Song: Anna Lapwood’s adaptation of Test Drive from How to Train Your Dragon. Not only do I love to hear Anna Lapwood play this, but she published sheet music and I’m trying to learn it.
Movie: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Across the Spider-Verse.
Book Series: The Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion by Beth Brower. I read all of the published books this year and look forward to reading them for years to come.
Fiction book: Left-Handed Booksellers of London by Garth Nix. This was very enjoyable and good fun. I enjoyed the sequel as well.
Self-help book: The Upside of Stress by Kelly McGonigal. Life needs to be a bit stressful. Did a video lecture on this for a teaching assistant assignment.
General nonfiction: Being Mortal by Atul Gawande and The In-Between by Hadley Vlahos These were great books to read together, both a combination of personal experiences and learning about the end of life.
Philosophy books: Choosing Well by Chrisoula Andreou and The Tyranny of Merit by Michael Sandel.
Functional purchase: My desk and office chair.
Most fun purchase: An incubator, since we got baby ducks out of it.
Surprising purchase: Running shoes. I didn’t think I ever would like running, but I ran a 5k and 10k this year.
Podcast: Lateral with Tom Scott. I don’t usually like podcasts, but I love this one.
Ideas/research: I really like learning about narrative economics, intrinsic motivation, self-sacrificing altruism, and self-interest.
YouTube channel: How to Cook That. Consistently great videos that I always look forward to.
Project: Finishing my home renovation.
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Why I believe
Because I feel God talking to me, inspiring me, guiding me in my life. Because practices like prayer, church, temple, scripture, and ministering enhances that communication and that relationship. Because I have had personal experiences that sometimes I can’t even put into words properly where I feel God’s presence in my life.
The reason I believe is my own experience. And that to me is at the heart of religious knowledge: we believe because of our own personal experience. That is what my religion tells me: not to simply trust others and in their experience, but to get my own experience instead. To pray to God. to hear him speak back. I yearn to feel close to God because that is the best feeling in my life, one of love and peace.
And some, many, people do not have the same experience that I have. So I must respect them for what they believe, whatever that may be. We may come to different conclusions. combinations of doubt and faith and belief in conflicting narratives that I do not always understand. I do not know another’s experience, but I can understand that if experience is where we gain spiritual knowledge, then I cannot force belief, I cannot persuade, I cannot argue. I can only share. And hope.
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Honesty
I was in a behavioral economics class today, and the teacher mentioned a recent article that talked about how some academics had been faking their data. There is a lot of pressure in academics to get published, and to write papers with interesting results. And so some people manipulate their data in order to get those results.
I did my own study a while back. The results were not conclusive. There wasn’t really much of a statistical effect. And that’s pretty normal, because when you study humans and human behavior, the main result from any study at all is that people vary.
But that isn’t very interesting. So people lie instead. And then there are a whole lot of studies out there that can’t be replicated and don’t mean anything.
There is one pretty well-known study about fines and daycare. The paper says that when late fines were introduced into a daycare system, this actually caused an increase of late parents. But if you look into the study more, it hasn’t been replicated (and some other studies suggest that fines do deter behavior just fine). The data and reporting may not be entirely accurate. So while the result is interesting, it may simply be a fiction.
Scholars need to be more honest when data doesn’t come up with any results. But we also need to be more honest about how most of the results of human behavior studies aren’t that conclusive.
And people need to just be more honest in general.
I’ve been grading a lot of student assignments, and I think at least 5% of the students use artificial intelligence to either help with or do the assignments for them. This is against the class policies. Maybe that’s not a big percentage, but it might be a lot higher, as it can be difficult to actually determine if someone is using A.I. or not. I spend a lot more time grading because I have to try to figure out who is using A.I. or not. It’s not the usage of A.I. that is necessarily a problem, but the dishonesty of passing off A.I. as their own work.
Sometimes I don’t want to trust anymore. I don’t want to trust scholars who have incentives to make up their data. I don’t want to trust students to act with academic integrity.
But I have to trust. And I know that a world where I can’t trust anyone would be absolutely miserable.
I need to work on my own honestly sometimes–I don’t generally lie, but sometimes I will remain silent. Sometimes I need to open up, speak up, and be more vulnerable about where I am at and what I am struggling with.
Maybe some of this dishonest comes from these pressures to perform: publish papers, go to school, get good grades, be successful. And struggling doesn’t feel like an option. Coming up with inclusive results isn’t an option. Running out of time to do an assignment isn’t an option.
We need to be more okay with failure. We need to expect it in the people around us and expect it in ourselves because it’s going to happen. And that expectation can make honesty so much easier.
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Complications
Sometimes we are trying to make sense of the world, and the world doesn’t make sense.
Would it be better to live in a perfect world, where we all do the right thing? Or is it better that we can make mistakes and fix them and become better? I am inclined to think that I need a world where people mess up. That I would not want a world where mistakes rarely happen. There is something beautiful about failing and then getting up and trying again.
Mistakes mean that I can get hurt, and that others get hurt, and that really horrible things can happen. But people can also change. People can improve. And people can be loved even when they aren’t perfect.
Suffering can bring transformation. I love who I am right now, even though I am imperfect, and I love seeing myself grow and transform into someone a little better, a little different.
I learn to love others not because they are prefect, but because they are flawed. It is in the moments when a person makes a mistake when I rely on my love for them. I hold them close when they think they are failing, and they often reciprocate when I fail too.
We work to make the world a better place, but in order that work to happen, the world has to be full of mistakes and wrongs and suffering. Improvement only comes in imperfection.
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Heather Hoyt 