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  • Connection over Mastery

    Connection over Mastery

    What is the most important part of your career?

    I’ve read quite a few books about productivity that talk about concepts such as mastery and flow: how to deep focus and get more done. In my career, I want to write clear papers with good arguments and be an expert in certain subjects. I want to be able to present and publish and eventually finish a dissertation.

    However, at the opposite end of whatever work you do, there is someone else.

    So the point of productivity may not be about accomplishing something and becoming the expert–it’s about affecting others. Maybe productivity isn’t really about mastery and flow. Productivity can be about connection and relationships instead.

    Love is so much more important than expertise. Think about being a parent: it doesn’t really matter if you are an expert on parenting. It matters more that you love your kids.

    And maybe that’s applicable to more areas than we think it is. You can easily see how it would matter in something like teaching or social work.

    But what about something like writing and design work or policy work? How can prioritizing love and relationships make a difference there?

    It seems like when we are creating something we are aimed at this product. But the product does not exist in a vacuum. The product is used by people. And so every project and product is also part of a relationship, between the creator and the user.

    It can be hard to see that connection, but I think it makes the products so much better if a creator can see the relationships that surround what they create.

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  • Total Solar Eclipse

    Total Solar Eclipse

    We drove to Texas in order to see an eclipse.

    In 2017, we lived in the path of totality of a total solar eclipse. My kids were all little then, the oldest barely in school and the youngest literally breastfeeding during the eclipse. Dillon was working at the state park we lived at and coordinating all the visitors who had come. Some of my family came out to experience it with us.

    When it was over, I just wanted to experience it again. And I had to wait almost 7 years, but we put the 2024 eclipse on our calendar (on the wrong date, but we fixed it later).

    Things changed a lot in 7 years. We moved and moved again. Dillon switched jobs a few times. I started graduate school. We renovated a house. Our kids are now all in school, all old enough to remember.

    5 months before the eclipse, I reserved a campsite in the path of totality at Cedar Hill State Park. And then eventually made the rest of the travel arrangements. As the day got closer, though, I was worried: cloud cover. I kept checking the weather app, and it never changed. There was always cloud cover.

    But we drove over 20 hours to Texas (and then over 20 hours back). We planned out stops along the way and saw some cool things: a faux waterfall, structures built almost 1,000 years ago, my aunt, vintage RVs, rocks interspersed with iron or copper, old airplanes, turtles swimming in a river, longhorn cattle, vintage video game consoles.

    I was somewhat distracted during the trip as I am towards the end of the semester, and final papers are looming. I had to do some school work even when I just wanted to be on vacation.

    The day of the eclipse came, and the clouds rolled in. We went on a hike in the morning through forest and grasslands, and the air was misty with humidity.

    And then the clouds rolled away as the eclipse started.

    I have words I could use to describe the eclipse: awe, sublime, beauty. In the middle of totality, I felt like I needed to get a picture, but I could never capture that moment. Pictures and videos do not show what it is like. It is an experience: aesthetic, spiritual, awesome.

    The sun had come out and the day was hot, and then the temperature dropped. The birds stopping singing. The crickets chirped. I could see planets and stars and the moon and the sun all together in the heavens.

    It was worth it.

    ***

    We drove back home after it rained on our camping stuff. We dropped by a museum filled with random old stuff, a conservatory of tropical plants, and a frontier prison where we heard macabre stories. We arrived home to clean up, drive off our camping stuff, and go back to normal.

    ***

    During this weekend, it was General Conference for my church. I listened to quite a few talks, and we tried to watch sessions together as a family. We heard about miracles and prayer.

    And I was praying.

    Sometimes, it is not easy to believe, to have faith. I am friends with many who have stepped away from faith, all for their own unique reasons. And for a moment, I was just filled up with questions and worry. I need spiritual experiences regularly in order to keep my faith, and sometimes they seem too far away.

    I don’t know if it counts as a miracle that I was able to view the eclipse, free of clouds. The forecast never changed, but the clouds went away for many. Yet some places were still cloudy.

    I do view it as a blessing, a tender mercy. The total solar eclipse is spiritual: heavenly bodies so perfectly sized and timed to bring night when it should be day.

    I wonder how it would feel like it you didn’t know that an eclipse was coming. If it got dark and cold, the shadows trembling as the heavens move in inexplicable ways. If you could see the sun disappearing through the clouds. Everything changes. It is night for a few minutes, that fades back it into day. It would be terrifying.

    We can map the heavens now, and yet there is still so much that remains unknown. I find myself often in inexplicable moments where I do not understand.

    I worked on a research project on my trip, getting feedback back and forth from a professor who knows much more than I do. I am interested in a topic because I do not understand, and because the more I read and think, the more questions I have. I don’t think there is a way of figuring it out at all.

    And life is like that. There is a type of comfort that can come inside the terrifying unknow: that with everything I do not know, I can still live and breathe and love and experience beauty greater than I can understand.

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  • Self-Sacrifice Burnout: When It’s Okay to Hurt

    Self-Sacrifice Burnout: When It’s Okay to Hurt

    So I’ve recently heard of the idea of “pathological altruism”: engaging in altruist acts that are actually harmful. While that category is quite broad, part of it includes people self-sacrificing in order to help others to the point that they face extreme burnout and harm to their health and well-being.

    Why is that bad?

    I think it can be laudable to sacrifice, even to the point where it hurts you. Many people sacrifice their lives, basically everything they have, in order to help others. I have deep respect and admiration for those people. I want to be more like that.

    We don’t want people to sacrifice for us. We don’t like to see others suffer. We say that they need to take care of themselves first.

    But if someone dedicates their life to others, they take care of themselves only as a means to other ends. The bad thing about burnout is it means you can’t help other people anymore.

    Taking care of yourself doesn’t need to be a priority. It’s just a helpful thing to do so that you can take care of others.

    And that means that if you dedicate yourself to help, it will hurt sometimes. It will mean long hours and exhausting days. It can be difficult and hard.

    Nights without sleep helping children.
    Coming home hungry after a long time at work.
    Talking to someone in a crisis and crying in empathy.
    Dropping everything and driving hours and hours because they need you.
    Looking at an almost empty bank account and donating anyway.

    Those are not problematic moments. They are sacred.

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  • Mental Health Day = Show Up Anyway

    Mental Health Day = Show Up Anyway

    I have heard sometimes that people take a mental health day and they miss school/work/etc. in order to take care of their mental health. I am skeptical. I think often the best thing we can do for our mental health is to show up, especially when we don’t feel like it.

    Recently, I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed. But I felt stressed and overwhelmed when I was at home, not getting the schoolwork done. Going to school and working helped reduce my stress. Being around other people in a similar situation actually helped my negativity to dissipate. Talking to others helped more with my mental health than staying home would have.

    I know when I am feeling down and depressed, I do want to stay home. I very much want to not show up, and just take some time off. But the great majority of times when I show up, even when I don’t want to, I feel better. I’m glad I went.

    Chronic absenteeism is a huge problem in schools right now. Students aren’t showing up. And part of this problem might possibly be that people think they need to feel good to show up. And if they feel bad, they stay home. But just makes them feel worse. And so they stay home more.

    Now, there might be some situations when people need breaks. Breaks are good and healthy. However, I have found in my own situation that the structure of showing up regularly does much more good for my mental health than breaks ever do. Breaks are better when they scheduled and intentional, not just randomly missing because you don’t feel like going.

    So if you don’t feel like going to school and work, do it anyway. Show up for yourself.

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  • How to come up with ideas

    How to come up with ideas
    • Fill up the blank space. Just go for it. Release yourself of expectations of doing something good and just do something. Starting with something horrible is easier than starting with nothing.
    • Make connections. I like to connect different ideas that seem unrelated and something new and beautiful starts developing. A singular idea is usually rarely new–but it becomes new when connected to something unexpected.
    • Journal and notetaking. If you don’t write down your thoughts, then the thoughts are forgotten.
    • Read, watch, listen. Keep reading and experiencing, all different types of stuff, and pay attention.
    • Criticize. Figuring out what you think is wrong can be a good way to discover what you think is right.
    • Ask and answer questions.
    • Talk with others. I get really good ideas when I’m talking with people. The combination of their thoughts and my thoughts together can go in really unexpected places.
    • Randomness and play. Sometimes you need to stop looking in order to find something. Embrace the random. Use random generators. Play around. And a new idea might come out of it.
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  • Friction between dreams and reality

    Friction between dreams and reality

    When we are young, we are told to dream. And then we grow up, and the world burns up our dreams and we have to figure out what to do with the charred remnants.

    So I had a dream of being a writer when I was young. And then I grew up and discovered that my dream didn’t really exist. And I think this is true of most dream jobs: they only exist in dream land.

    I’m currently going to graduate school in philosophy, and the job market for philosophy PhDs is absolutely brutal. Too many applicants. Not enough jobs. And the jobs don’t always fit right.

    There is a friction there: On one side, there is what you want and who you are. On the other side, there is what other people want and need and what they are willing to pay you for. Those two sides don’t always match up very well.

    So to achieve success, you have to do things you don’t want to do. And sometimes the success you thought you wanted isn’t worth it.

    This friction manifests it in many other ways, which may become insurmountable obstacles to your dreams:

    • You get your dream job and discover you actually hate it.
    • Your dream job doesn’t actually exist in the world.
    • You have a specific skill set that doesn’t work for the job market.
    • Your skills are unappreciated by managers who want to go in different directions.
    • You have too narrow or too broad interests/skills for what employers or others want.
    • You can only get paid well for something you don’t love to do.
    • If you get paid for what you love to do, you might stop loving it.
    • You work hard in your job and never get recognized and never get promotions.
    • You love a certain field but you aren’t actually very skilled at it.

    Job market friction can be like burning. It’s burning down your dreams.

    So how do you deal with is?

    Here are something helpful things to remember:

    • Who you are is not what you do
    • Your self-worth is not dependent on your financial worth
    • Small success can be as valuable as large success
    • Life can be longer than you think, and you can reinvent yourself multiple times
    • It’s okay to change your pathway
    • Relationships with people bring more joy than achieving success
    • Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to do the things that you do want to do
    • Having a small impact can be good enough
    (image created with A.I.)
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  • Goals and Climbing Mountains

    Goals and Climbing Mountains

    A while ago, I joined the Proper Mountain Woman club for a season after a friend told me about it. My sister, Liz, also joined, and we had a lot of fun earning merit badges and completing and sharing projects. I did not continue membership in that club, though it was a fun experience. But Liz and I had both shared our progress with each other, and we wanted to continue to do so.

    So Liz created a Discord server where we could continue to share the goals we had finished. We invited our other sisters as well. We do seasonal goals–winter, spring, summer, fall–with a few ranks that we can earn. You can get a rainbow rank for completing a goal in each category (spiritual, social, physical, intellectual, service, family, home and garden, career, nature, fun, food and finance, creative). Or a mountain rank for sharing 50 accomplishments and completing a large project. We also share ideas for different goals we can set.

    This changed my life.

    Since I was little, my dad would sit with me and we would set goals. I always loved to plan and set goals for myself, and I was fairly good at accomplishing them. I wasn’t the sort of person that would set New Year’s resolutions once a year and then forget about them completely. While I definitely fail at my goals sometimes, goal setting has helped me focus my life and spend my time in worthwhile pursuits.

    But before, sometimes my goals were more of a to-do list that I just wanted to check off and forget. If you think of most to-do list apps, when you get something done, it disappears, checked off forever. Even in a to-do list, you often will scribble something out. This can be effective for certain things, like daily tasks. But it’s a bit discouraging when all you are looking at is the things that still need to get done, a list that never ends.

    When I started reporting my goals to my sisters, though, I was doing the opposite.

    I have a spreadsheet now that I track my seasonal goals with. I write down what I want to do in a season, and when I finish something, I literally highlight it in a bright color. And so whenever I’m planning, I already feel quite encouraged, and that gives me enthusiasm to do more.

    Instead of crossing off my goals, I was highlighting sharing them. My focus changed from just getting stuff done to actually celebrating the thing that I was doing.

    And it is so wonderful to share goals with other people, and have them share with you as well. It’s not at all about comparison, but about sharing and celebration. I love seeing what other people are accomplishing. It gives me added motivation. And I loved sharing projects with other people. It gives added meaning.

    I think I am more proud of myself, and I mean that in a good way. I think there’s a negative version of pride, when we think we are better than others, but there is also a positive version, when we’re pleased with ourselves, when we know we are on the right track, and we feel more confident in our own abilities. There is a lot of satisfaction to know that you did something well–maybe not perfect, but good enough.

    And I feel like I’m challenging myself better. Because it’s really hard to be completely self-motivated, to challenge yourself when no one sees the results. I have evidence now, evidence that I can share, that I am becoming a better person and do something meaningful with my life. And I see my sisters growing too. It’s powerful (and life-changing) to do it together.

    TL;DR

    • Stop checking everything off your list and highlight accomplishments instead.
    • Find someone to share with: share your goals and the fun and good things you do with your life.
    • Count the stuff that you did that wasn’t in your to-do list in the first place.
    • Gamify your goals just a bit: have fun ranks that you can achieve.
    • Set goals about things you want to do, not just things you feel like you should.
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  • Light in the darkness

    Light in the darkness

    I think I figured out what I want to write my dissertation on: it’s somewhat focused on self-interest, but also on altruism. I’m really curious about if we need to be self-interested or not. Do we need to take care of ourselves? Is it necessary that we worry about our own well-being? What about the people that sacrifice so much for the service of others?

    Christmas time has always been a time of service for me. Sometimes I feel weird about it–I’m buying presents for my kids and spending so much money on my own family–but I also want to help other people too. I hear of some people who give all their Christmas money to others, while I find myself giving my children more presents than they really need (or even perhaps want). I wonder if I could be doing more good.

    We visit Giving Machines. We contribute to charities. We take tags off the Giving Tree in the elementary school lobby and I have my kids pick out presents for others. I look at service projects in my community and try to sign up–play the piano at a hospital, clean up after an event, volunteer at the food pantry, make blankets.

    And then my kids get sick and I have to cancel half of the things I volunteered for so I can stay home and take care of them. I feel conflicted about what is self-interested and what is serving others: did I volunteer just so I felt good about myself? Or because I felt it as a duty, but I didn’t really want to do it? Or did I genuinely care about someone besides myself?

    I worry sometimes about the impacts I have on others. I have the biggest impact on my own children. I want them to learn to look outward. I make cookies and bring them to neighbors. I send out Christmas cards, but I am afraid I have forgotten people. I go and visit elderly friends and tell them I will return to visit another time because the visit is never long enough.

    I tell my daughter that happiness comes in the service of others. But I don’t think I serve other people in order for me to feel happy. Instead, I serve them because I want them to be happy. And my own happiness comes as a by-product. It may be impossible to make someone else happy without making yourself happy as well.

    How much do I need to give? How much do I want to give?

    I look at the holiday displays people make and I wonder for a moment if all that money could have been given to charity instead. Yet, if everyone did that, we would not have the light filling up the dark space of December. And I love Christmas lights.

    Perhaps there is simply enough to do all of it–to give presents to my children, to donate to charity, to help other people, to enjoy the twinkling colorful lights. Perhaps our time and money are not as scarce as we sometimes believe, and there is more than enough.

    But that isn’t quite right, because sacrifice is necessary. Sacrifice is praiseworthy and good and beautiful.

    I remember all the stories in my life about sacrifice: My grandma sewing clothes for my mom and surprising her during a meager year. My mom searching to give me a Furby, despite the fact that they are sold out everywhere. My husband buys a friend his only Christmas presents of the year, and even though it is a simple fruit cake, they share it gladly.

    When there is scarcity, people give in service to others, even though it requires sacrifice. They prioritize others about themselves. And that is right. That is light.

    I hear people on Instagram telling me that I should prioritize myself at Christmastime. That I can ask for presents and spend time for myself. But I don’t want to. I want to connect with others so much more than I ever want to receive for myself.

    That connection means that I do receive: I am invited, included. Others wrap presents for me and put them under the tree because they love me. And I receive that with gratitude.

    No moment of my life is about myself. It is always about someone else, above giving and serving and helping and maybe, maybe making someone else’s life just a little bit better. Whenever I have pursued my own self-interest just because of my own selfish desires (and it happens more frequently than I want to admit), it has drained my life of purpose and led to unhappiness.

    The light that shines in the darkness is that we love each other, and that we are loved. We celebrate Jesus Christ who loved us so much that he gave everything to us. In ever gift I give and receive, I remember the greatest gift, a light to the world.

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  • Some Favorites from 2023

    Some Favorites from 2023

    Places: Goblin Valley and Disneyland. I love Goblin Valley and we ended up going there twice this year, and it was loads of fun to walk around and explore. But Disneyland is magical, even if it is this weirdly artificial sort of magic, and I’m glad we went.

    Discovery: Laziness is okay. It’s okay to not get things done all the time or not to complete assignments when they aren’t really required or to clean your house when you feel like it. I still also value working hard and not squandering away my time, but I don’t always need to be working.

    TV: Strange New Worlds. I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek, but Strange New Worlds was the most fun.

    Song: Anna Lapwood’s adaptation of Test Drive from How to Train Your Dragon. Not only do I love to hear Anna Lapwood play this, but she published sheet music and I’m trying to learn it.

    Movie: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and Across the Spider-Verse.

    Book Series: The Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion by Beth Brower. I read all of the published books this year and look forward to reading them for years to come.

    Fiction book: Left-Handed Booksellers of London by Garth Nix. This was very enjoyable and good fun. I enjoyed the sequel as well.

    Self-help book: The Upside of Stress by Kelly McGonigal. Life needs to be a bit stressful. Did a video lecture on this for a teaching assistant assignment.

    General nonfiction: Being Mortal by Atul Gawande and The In-Between by Hadley Vlahos These were great books to read together, both a combination of personal experiences and learning about the end of life.

    Philosophy books: Choosing Well by Chrisoula Andreou and The Tyranny of Merit by Michael Sandel.

    Functional purchase: My desk and office chair.

    Most fun purchase: An incubator, since we got baby ducks out of it.

    Surprising purchase: Running shoes. I didn’t think I ever would like running, but I ran a 5k and 10k this year.

    Podcast: Lateral with Tom Scott. I don’t usually like podcasts, but I love this one.

    Ideas/research: I really like learning about narrative economics, intrinsic motivation, self-sacrificing altruism, and self-interest.

    YouTube channel: How to Cook That. Consistently great videos that I always look forward to.

    Project: Finishing my home renovation.

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  • Why I believe

    Why I believe

    Because I feel God talking to me, inspiring me, guiding me in my life. Because practices like prayer, church, temple, scripture, and ministering enhances that communication and that relationship. Because I have had personal experiences that sometimes I can’t even put into words properly where I feel God’s presence in my life.

    The reason I believe is my own experience. And that to me is at the heart of religious knowledge: we believe because of our own personal experience. That is what my religion tells me: not to simply trust others and in their experience, but to get my own experience instead. To pray to God. to hear him speak back. I yearn to feel close to God because that is the best feeling in my life, one of love and peace.

    And some, many, people do not have the same experience that I have. So I must respect them for what they believe, whatever that may be. We may come to different conclusions. combinations of doubt and faith and belief in conflicting narratives that I do not always understand. I do not know another’s experience, but I can understand that if experience is where we gain spiritual knowledge, then I cannot force belief, I cannot persuade, I cannot argue. I can only share. And hope.

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