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Finding Hope Amid Anxiety: A Call for Integrity
I feel a lot of anxiety right now about the future. Not really my future, but the future of everything. I look at the news regularly, and it makes me worry. I was in a conversation where everyone was just feeling bleak, that things were going to worse–not just big picture problems, but smaller things too. There are constant worries that things may not turn out, that life will get harder. That we are not okay.
I have seen a person get fired for doing the right thing and a person up for promotion despite previous wrongdoing. People seem to dispose of ethics and morals and helping others. Instead, they pursue what they can get away with, what is technically legal, and what makes them better off. And these people are often hypocrites: declaring their beliefs of integrity while secretly acting in other ways. I think many people are not aware of their own hypocrisy: they don’t realize that what they are doing is wrong.
But I do have hope.
And that hope is mainly rooted in the fact that there are still lots of good people fighting for good things.
The fights that we have with each other are not fights of good people versus evil people. Most people think they are good. Most people are trying to do the right thing. So our fight is not like a fantasy battle where there are heroes and villains and we want the heroes to win and the villains be eliminated.
Instead, people are often misinformed, deluded, and confused. Most people are not villains, but imperfect people who have lost their way. Though we should not trust misguided people with responsibility and power, we are not in a battle to eliminate them. Instead, we want to change the conversation. We want to bring more sense and reason. Instead of being afraid of each other, we want to be able to work together to find what we have in common and pursue better solutions.
The fight is one of persuasion and information. We fight to bring dark secrets into light. We fight to discover what is true. We fight to care for each other.
We don’t fight against each other. Instead, we fight against bad ideas. We fight against corruption. We fight for the disadvantaged. We fight for good outcomes.
And I will keep my hope. I will keep doing what I think is right and contribute to my family and my community. I will stay informed. I will encourage the people around me to keep living good lives, to be people of integrity. And I will try to live what I preach.
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Time
I was watching John Green’s video about the average American, and he said something that haunted me: the average American spends more time in social media than going outside.
I was doing that.
I love being outside, I really do, but it seems like all the work I have to do is often indoors. My research is inside. My housework is inside. Lots of things are inside. And that’s fine.
But when I need a break, do I go outside, or do I go into a screen?
And I usually go into a screen. Much more than I really want to. It can become a default: whenever I feel stressed and overwhelmed, go to a screen (or stay on the screen).
I don’t want to do that anymore.
Yesterday, I was cleaning out the car and I went to put some stuff in the trash can, and I looked up at the sky. The sky was clear, and I could see the Milky Way cutting through it. It was the sort of sky where there were stars absolutely everywhere.
I noticed. And I tried to get my kids to come and see (they came, but didn’t care quite as much). I delayed the things I had to do to just stand out there, craning my neck up to see the universe above me.
I went on a walk today, and it is the perfect kind of weather: a little bit windy, the sort of temperature you can wear whatever you want and it will be only a little bit uncomfortable, and crunchy leaves flying across the ground. The world is turning yellow, the sky was cloudy, muting the sun. It was beautiful.
The things that I often use for stress relief actually cause me more stress. They tired me out and drain me.
What actually invigorates me is going outside, playing with my kids, being active. Having space to exist.
I’ve spent a lot less time on my phone and on a screen the last few days, and I have felt freedom and a lot more peace inside.
Trying to split my mind between my life and junk on my computer is just hard. Being in my life is a lot better.
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Weight
I recently finished a rough draft of a paper and sent it to my advisor. I had meant to finish that paper in the summer. Then school started, and I thought I should be able to finish it by the end of August. And then August ended, and I no longer had a deadline, just a heavy weight that I had not completed a draft yet.
I felt so behind, and I did not want to work on this paper. I was stuck. I felt guilty for my lack of progress. But I needed to work. So I decided I was just going to sit down and dictate it. I turned on the dictator, and I talked.
I had to stop talking midway through because I had kids coming home from school, but then I kept typing until I was 4,000 words in and I had a very messy word vomit rougher than rough draft.
The paper got a whole lot easier. I was able to go through and make that word vomit into something that actually resembled actual research and argumentation.
I still need to do more research (there is always more to read). I still need to improve my arguments. I still need to proofread and actually put in proper citations.
But I think I hated working on that paper not because I hated the subject material or the argument, but because it reminded me that I had disappointed myself. I had expectations that I didn’t meet.
When I finally finished what I had wanted to do for so long, the paper wasn’t so bad anymore.
I’m not sure what to do about that in the future.
Lower my expectations? But sometimes if I have high expectations, I can get a whole lot done.
Just get things done, so I’m not missing deadlines? This is the best case scenario. I’m always happier when I’m ahead of schedule instead of behind schedule.
Maybe have multiple deadlines in mind in the first place? I mean, the deadlines were my deadlines. The actual deadline for this paper is towards the end of October (for a final draft, not a rough draft), but I don’t necessarily get kicked out of graduate school if I miss that deadline. So maybe my own self-imposed deadlines need to have a different flair: I need to realized that sometimes I have overly optimistic deadlines, realistic deadlines, and life-gets-complicated deadlines. And set all of those different dates for myself, so that when I blow past the overly optimistic deadline, I don’t feel so much guilt.
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Ups and Downs Summer
Hello. It’s been a while.
Summer mornings creep in early with promises of sunshine and laughter. The sun creeps up early, ready to go and move. But by afternoon, the clouds have rolled in, and the thunder starts, and it randomly pours onto everything we’ve left outside in the promise of sunshine. By the evening, there is a glimmer of hope again as the clouds part enough for a beautiful sunset, but I am so tired.
I sometimes feel more like the thunder than the sunshine, though there are so many sunshine moments anyways.
This summer has been busy: I’m teaching an online class. I’m taking care of four children and lots of animals. I have yard work and a garden. And a garage addition (though I haven’t done that much with it).
And we like to go and do things: hiking, kayaking, canoeing, parks, splash pads, cousins, lemonade stands, museums, swimming, etc.
There is not enough time and too much time. And I am grateful for what time I do have, even through the ups and downs.
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Connection over Mastery
What is the most important part of your career?
I’ve read quite a few books about productivity that talk about concepts such as mastery and flow: how to deep focus and get more done. In my career, I want to write clear papers with good arguments and be an expert in certain subjects. I want to be able to present and publish and eventually finish a dissertation.
However, at the opposite end of whatever work you do, there is someone else.
So the point of productivity may not be about accomplishing something and becoming the expert–it’s about affecting others. Maybe productivity isn’t really about mastery and flow. Productivity can be about connection and relationships instead.
Love is so much more important than expertise. Think about being a parent: it doesn’t really matter if you are an expert on parenting. It matters more that you love your kids.
And maybe that’s applicable to more areas than we think it is. You can easily see how it would matter in something like teaching or social work.
But what about something like writing and design work or policy work? How can prioritizing love and relationships make a difference there?
It seems like when we are creating something we are aimed at this product. But the product does not exist in a vacuum. The product is used by people. And so every project and product is also part of a relationship, between the creator and the user.
It can be hard to see that connection, but I think it makes the products so much better if a creator can see the relationships that surround what they create.
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Total Solar Eclipse
We drove to Texas in order to see an eclipse.
In 2017, we lived in the path of totality of a total solar eclipse. My kids were all little then, the oldest barely in school and the youngest literally breastfeeding during the eclipse. Dillon was working at the state park we lived at and coordinating all the visitors who had come. Some of my family came out to experience it with us.
When it was over, I just wanted to experience it again. And I had to wait almost 7 years, but we put the 2024 eclipse on our calendar (on the wrong date, but we fixed it later).
Things changed a lot in 7 years. We moved and moved again. Dillon switched jobs a few times. I started graduate school. We renovated a house. Our kids are now all in school, all old enough to remember.
5 months before the eclipse, I reserved a campsite in the path of totality at Cedar Hill State Park. And then eventually made the rest of the travel arrangements. As the day got closer, though, I was worried: cloud cover. I kept checking the weather app, and it never changed. There was always cloud cover.
But we drove over 20 hours to Texas (and then over 20 hours back). We planned out stops along the way and saw some cool things: a faux waterfall, structures built almost 1,000 years ago, my aunt, vintage RVs, rocks interspersed with iron or copper, old airplanes, turtles swimming in a river, longhorn cattle, vintage video game consoles.
I was somewhat distracted during the trip as I am towards the end of the semester, and final papers are looming. I had to do some school work even when I just wanted to be on vacation.
The day of the eclipse came, and the clouds rolled in. We went on a hike in the morning through forest and grasslands, and the air was misty with humidity.
And then the clouds rolled away as the eclipse started.
I have words I could use to describe the eclipse: awe, sublime, beauty. In the middle of totality, I felt like I needed to get a picture, but I could never capture that moment. Pictures and videos do not show what it is like. It is an experience: aesthetic, spiritual, awesome.
The sun had come out and the day was hot, and then the temperature dropped. The birds stopping singing. The crickets chirped. I could see planets and stars and the moon and the sun all together in the heavens.
It was worth it.
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We drove back home after it rained on our camping stuff. We dropped by a museum filled with random old stuff, a conservatory of tropical plants, and a frontier prison where we heard macabre stories. We arrived home to clean up, drive off our camping stuff, and go back to normal.
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During this weekend, it was General Conference for my church. I listened to quite a few talks, and we tried to watch sessions together as a family. We heard about miracles and prayer.
And I was praying.
Sometimes, it is not easy to believe, to have faith. I am friends with many who have stepped away from faith, all for their own unique reasons. And for a moment, I was just filled up with questions and worry. I need spiritual experiences regularly in order to keep my faith, and sometimes they seem too far away.
I don’t know if it counts as a miracle that I was able to view the eclipse, free of clouds. The forecast never changed, but the clouds went away for many. Yet some places were still cloudy.
I do view it as a blessing, a tender mercy. The total solar eclipse is spiritual: heavenly bodies so perfectly sized and timed to bring night when it should be day.
I wonder how it would feel like it you didn’t know that an eclipse was coming. If it got dark and cold, the shadows trembling as the heavens move in inexplicable ways. If you could see the sun disappearing through the clouds. Everything changes. It is night for a few minutes, that fades back it into day. It would be terrifying.
We can map the heavens now, and yet there is still so much that remains unknown. I find myself often in inexplicable moments where I do not understand.
I worked on a research project on my trip, getting feedback back and forth from a professor who knows much more than I do. I am interested in a topic because I do not understand, and because the more I read and think, the more questions I have. I don’t think there is a way of figuring it out at all.
And life is like that. There is a type of comfort that can come inside the terrifying unknow: that with everything I do not know, I can still live and breathe and love and experience beauty greater than I can understand.
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Self-Sacrifice Burnout: When It’s Okay to Hurt
So I’ve recently heard of the idea of “pathological altruism”: engaging in altruist acts that are actually harmful. While that category is quite broad, part of it includes people self-sacrificing in order to help others to the point that they face extreme burnout and harm to their health and well-being.
Why is that bad?
I think it can be laudable to sacrifice, even to the point where it hurts you. Many people sacrifice their lives, basically everything they have, in order to help others. I have deep respect and admiration for those people. I want to be more like that.
We don’t want people to sacrifice for us. We don’t like to see others suffer. We say that they need to take care of themselves first.
But if someone dedicates their life to others, they take care of themselves only as a means to other ends. The bad thing about burnout is it means you can’t help other people anymore.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t need to be a priority. It’s just a helpful thing to do so that you can take care of others.
And that means that if you dedicate yourself to help, it will hurt sometimes. It will mean long hours and exhausting days. It can be difficult and hard.
Nights without sleep helping children.
Coming home hungry after a long time at work.
Talking to someone in a crisis and crying in empathy.
Dropping everything and driving hours and hours because they need you.
Looking at an almost empty bank account and donating anyway.Those are not problematic moments. They are sacred.
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Mental Health Day = Show Up Anyway
I have heard sometimes that people take a mental health day and they miss school/work/etc. in order to take care of their mental health. I am skeptical. I think often the best thing we can do for our mental health is to show up, especially when we don’t feel like it.
Recently, I was feeling very stressed and overwhelmed. But I felt stressed and overwhelmed when I was at home, not getting the schoolwork done. Going to school and working helped reduce my stress. Being around other people in a similar situation actually helped my negativity to dissipate. Talking to others helped more with my mental health than staying home would have.
I know when I am feeling down and depressed, I do want to stay home. I very much want to not show up, and just take some time off. But the great majority of times when I show up, even when I don’t want to, I feel better. I’m glad I went.
Chronic absenteeism is a huge problem in schools right now. Students aren’t showing up. And part of this problem might possibly be that people think they need to feel good to show up. And if they feel bad, they stay home. But just makes them feel worse. And so they stay home more.
Now, there might be some situations when people need breaks. Breaks are good and healthy. However, I have found in my own situation that the structure of showing up regularly does much more good for my mental health than breaks ever do. Breaks are better when they scheduled and intentional, not just randomly missing because you don’t feel like going.
So if you don’t feel like going to school and work, do it anyway. Show up for yourself.
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How to come up with ideas
- Fill up the blank space. Just go for it. Release yourself of expectations of doing something good and just do something. Starting with something horrible is easier than starting with nothing.
- Make connections. I like to connect different ideas that seem unrelated and something new and beautiful starts developing. A singular idea is usually rarely new–but it becomes new when connected to something unexpected.
- Journal and notetaking. If you don’t write down your thoughts, then the thoughts are forgotten.
- Read, watch, listen. Keep reading and experiencing, all different types of stuff, and pay attention.
- Criticize. Figuring out what you think is wrong can be a good way to discover what you think is right.
- Ask and answer questions.
- Talk with others. I get really good ideas when I’m talking with people. The combination of their thoughts and my thoughts together can go in really unexpected places.
- Randomness and play. Sometimes you need to stop looking in order to find something. Embrace the random. Use random generators. Play around. And a new idea might come out of it.
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Friction between dreams and reality
When we are young, we are told to dream. And then we grow up, and the world burns up our dreams and we have to figure out what to do with the charred remnants.
So I had a dream of being a writer when I was young. And then I grew up and discovered that my dream didn’t really exist. And I think this is true of most dream jobs: they only exist in dream land.
I’m currently going to graduate school in philosophy, and the job market for philosophy PhDs is absolutely brutal. Too many applicants. Not enough jobs. And the jobs don’t always fit right.
There is a friction there: On one side, there is what you want and who you are. On the other side, there is what other people want and need and what they are willing to pay you for. Those two sides don’t always match up very well.
So to achieve success, you have to do things you don’t want to do. And sometimes the success you thought you wanted isn’t worth it.
This friction manifests it in many other ways, which may become insurmountable obstacles to your dreams:
- You get your dream job and discover you actually hate it.
- Your dream job doesn’t actually exist in the world.
- You have a specific skill set that doesn’t work for the job market.
- Your skills are unappreciated by managers who want to go in different directions.
- You have too narrow or too broad interests/skills for what employers or others want.
- You can only get paid well for something you don’t love to do.
- If you get paid for what you love to do, you might stop loving it.
- You work hard in your job and never get recognized and never get promotions.
- You love a certain field but you aren’t actually very skilled at it.
Job market friction can be like burning. It’s burning down your dreams.
So how do you deal with is?
Here are something helpful things to remember:
- Who you are is not what you do
- Your self-worth is not dependent on your financial worth
- Small success can be as valuable as large success
- Life can be longer than you think, and you can reinvent yourself multiple times
- It’s okay to change your pathway
- Relationships with people bring more joy than achieving success
- Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to do the things that you do want to do
- Having a small impact can be good enough
(image created with A.I.)
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Heather Hoyt 