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  • Performing yourself

    Performing yourself

    I recently went to a writer’s conference, and I sat in quite a few panels and classes. At one panel, we were told all about figuring out your audience and being aware of them as you write and market a book. At the next panel, we were told to be ourselves and to not worry too much about what other people think.

    So do I write to an audience? Do I need to figure out who I am writing to? Do I need to change and tailor my words to fit into genre conventions?

    Or do I write what I find fascinating? Do I just put myself out there and see who wants to listen? Do I write trying to create art instead of trying to sell books?

    I don’t think I have answers to all of those questions. For a long time, I hated thinking about my audience. I just wrote. And to be honest, no one listened.

    I’ve been trying to write more, but I’m writing again because I want to connect with other people. I don’t write a story down just because it’s a good story. I write it because I want to share it.

    I can be myself, be genuine, and not really care what other people think. I don’t perform for an audience; but I do present myself to them.

    I don’t need to change who I am and what I write to fit into conventions and to satisfy an audience. I don’t want to write for others as much as I want to write to others, connecting with an audience who may be interested in what I have to say.

    Who is listening?

  • Life Lately

    Life Lately

    I wonder if I’ve been busy, but not really. I have things on my to-do list, but not many deadlines. I take my kids back and forth to activities–basketball, library, coding. My afternoons and evenings sometimes have more going on, but my mornings and afternoons can be empty.

    I finished coaching a basketball team with first and second graders. Their skill levels had a very large range: some of them were afraid of the ball; some of them could dribble down the court and make a layup on a fast break. In some ways, it was unfair to everyone, and yet we played anyway and I did my best to coach them, yelling from the sidelines. I both loved it and was very glad when it was over.

    I started a writing group and I’ve been meeting twice a week, and again, there is a very large range in skill levels and interest. I want to be encouraging, and yet I remember that when I was young and really wanted to be a writer, people encouraged me and I took it too far and became too confident in my own abilities. Where is the balance in telling someone that they are doing okay, but that they still need to improve a lot?

    We finished putting the drywall on our ceiling. We’ve had our ceiling open for such a long time. I thought it would make a big difference, but it turns out you don’t really look at your ceiling that often. I love all the progress we have made on our house. For so long, we were working on things behind walls. It’s good to be working on finishing those walls.

    So much of the work we do will never be seen, but it is still so necessary.

  • Encourage

    Encourage

    There will always be an endless list of stuff you can do better. But the most important things is small improvements and not giving up. If you don’t give up, you will succeed in life and you will be okay.

    You do not need anyone’s permission to value yourself. You do not need to satisfy any one else’s version of yourself. You are okay. You are okay in your own skin. You are okay to take time for yourself and to have slower moments in life. You are okay as you are right now, because you still do many good things and your efforts are not wasted.

    You could have always done something different that might have worked out better. You can say you should have done this or should have done that, but there is literally an endless list of things that may have been better if you did something differently. You did what you did. It is okay.

  • Distractions

    I get distracted easily and sometimes I have a hard time focusing on the right thing.

    But as I was sucked down rabbit holes and wasting my time the other day, I realized that I don’t need to stop getting distracted.

    Not getting distracted is not a good goal to have. Because I will get distracted. And then if my goal was to never get distracted, I feel guilty and miserable and I don’t want to do the right thing anymore.

    A better goal is to come back as soon as I can after I get distracted. To learn how to refocus myself and remember the task at hand. To close out of the rabbit holes and go back to work.

    I’m never going to be always focused. But when I find myself unfocused, I can let go of guilt and simply make the right choice in that moment.

  • I am not a problem.

    I am not a problem to be fixed.

    Life is not a problem to be fixed.

    I have been repeating those mantras to myself lately. Sometimes, I think of myself as broken and I want to fix myself. But I am not broken, and I don’t need to fix myself. I have problems and struggles–sometimes I get depressed. Sometimes I get distracted. Sometimes I don’t make great decisions. I may have problems and struggles, but I am not a problem or a struggle. I am a person, and for all my weakness, I also have strength.

    My life has many good things in it. It’s mostly good, really. I don’t want to change everything. I don’t need to fix my life–it’s not perfect, and I can work on making it a little bit better. But my life isn’t broken. My life is beautiful and wonderful.

  • Mistakes

    I hate making mistakes. But in a way, mistakes are really awesome.

    Sometimes accepting mistakes are the only way we get anything done in life. I have to make mistakes to learn how to do anything. If I’m going to play a piano song, I have to try it out and make mistakes. If I’m going to write a book, it’ll be filled with typos at first. If I’m going to build a house, there will simply be mistakes that happen.

    A lot of mistakes can simply be fixed. But sometimes they can’t be.

    There are mistakes I’ve made in my home renovation that are hidden and forgotten, but some of them I have to stare at every day and I can’t fix them. And some of the mistakes take a long time to fix.

    I mess up so often. But instead of viewing my mistakes as stupid and horrible, sometimes I need to realize that they mean that I am trying.

    If I say something awkward to someone, at least I said something. If my day doesn’t go according to plan, I least I had a plan.

    I’ll keep trying.

  • Feed My Sheep

    There we were in testimony meeting, and the speaker was talking about how he couldn’t understand how someone had lost belief in the church. And then there was talk about how good other people in the congregation were–that they were faithful and stalwart and admirable.

    It was not very helpful for those of us in the congregation who sometimes struggle with our faith. Sometimes I’m not always feeling like I want to go to church and worship. Sometimes I have doubts and questions.

    A lot of people are like that. And we want to feel accepted and loved and heard and understood, but instead, we are often met with the message that we aren’t good enough.

    There have been so many testimony meetings that I have sat through and people have praised their ward and the individuals in their ward, saying it is one of the best wards in the church.

    In every single ward, someone feels out of place and unaccepted. Someone has been hurt and offended. In many wards, people are unkind and don’t understand.

    It might feel like a really good ward if you have a lot of friends and people you get along with. It might feel comfortable if you don’t have many questions and you aren’t struggling with your faith. But that doesn’t mean everyone in the ward feels the same way you do.

    What about those people who don’t come, or don’t come often? Do they feel like outsiders? Do they feel welcomed? Do they have friends?

    It is easy to blame people for their lack of attendance or their lack of faith. It’s easy to say that it is their fault that they feel marginalized.

    But we can do better. Instead of boasting about how good we are, we can take some time to listen and try to understand those who are struggling.

  • 150. What are my goals for 2022?

    Spiritual

    • Finish reading the Old Testament
    • Go to the temple every month
    • Better scripture study (family, personal, and couple)

    Physical

    • I want to be able to touch my toes (flexibility)
    • I want to be able to do 20 push-ups and 1 pull-up
    • Run a mile.
    • Go on regular walks.

    Emotional

    • Regular sleep schedule (10:30-6:30–at the latest)
    • Daily check ins and work/mindfulness/therapy/etc.

    Marriage

    • Date nights every week
    • Hiking together
    • Nightly connection

    Family and kids

    • Basketball. Soccer. Maybe baseball. Swimming lessons. Tumbling.
    • Summer camps/adventures
    • Three vacations (spring, summer, fall)
    • Piano: MM through level 2, BB through level 1, SR through beginning

    Relationships and service

    • Visit neighbors regularly
    • Invite people over for dinner/playing/etc.
    • Do writing group through the whole year
    • Finish digitizing my grandparents stuff

    Education and learning

    • Calculus 1 and 2
    • Complete a few online classes
    • Read 50 pages most days
    • Work on learning website
    • Blog once a week

    Career, contributing, creating

    • Get a job
    • Start graduate school
    • Finish and try to publish One Thing is Needful
    • Draft of a novel
    • Draft of a book on failure
    • Submit short story

    Home and garden

    • Finish renovation
    • Build a fence
    • Fix pond and dam better
    • Plant trees

    Finances

    • Make money
    • Pay back as much debt as we can

    Leisure

    • Play with kids
    • Finish watching Deep Space 9
    • Go hiking at least 12 times
    • Fishing
    • Go outside every day

  • 149. What did I accomplish in 2021?

    2021 was a weird year. I don’t feel like I really did as much as I wanted to. I sometimes struggle with focus and knowing what direction to go. But lots of good things still happened. Here are some of them:

    • I had an internship with FamilySearch.
    • Dillon got a new job in Salt Lake and stopped commuting from Moab.
    • I took the GRE and did well.
    • We went to Yellowstone and did a lot of fun stuff for summer break.
    • We remodeled our kitchen.
    • We passed our 4-way inspection.
    • We cut new doors and a window into our house.
    • I volunteered at the schools.
    • I joined a book club and started a writing group.
    • I did some data science classes.
    • I read 52 books.
    • We got ducks and geese and built them a house.
    • I got vaccinated.
    • I almost finished a new draft of my book.
    • I wrote lots of blog posts.
    • I did some tutoring online.
    • My kids did various activities and I supported them in that.

  • 148. What is the most important service I can do?

    Doing something is better than not doing anything at all.

    I don’t want to fall into the trap of “telescopic philanthropy,” where I am forgetting my duties at home and serving far away people to mainly feel good about myself.

    I don’t want to be so focused on what is in front of me that I forget to reach out to those next door.

    I want to do good in the world–and good in my home, and with my family, and with my friends and neighbors and community.

    But sometimes I get worried about what I should do that I forget about what is in front of me. Opportunities often come my way and I feel too busy to say yes. My kids want attention and I forget to turn off my computer and spend time with them. I get caught up with reading and consuming that I forget to create.

    There are a few things that I am planning for this year that I am really excited for: I’ve started a writing group. I’m going to finish my book, One Thing is Needful. I’m going to volunteer at the school some more. I want to spend more time with my kids, playing board games and teaching them piano. I’m coaching one of my son’s basketball team. I want to go next door to the woman that lives there and help her out regularly. I want to reach out to friends better.

    There are people who need help, but the best place to start is the small moments, close to home.