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  • The Right Time

    The Right Time

    In 2018, I put a book I had written (One Thing is Needful) in a figurative drawer and thought I would never look at again. But in 2020, I got it out again and started working on it. Two years later, I’ve basically finished it. I’m working on sharing it more soon.

    I try to follow the Lord’s will about when to do things. Sometimes I do the right thing, but it’s not the right time yet. Sometimes it takes me a whole lot longer than I want it to.

    In the end of 2018, I moved to this home in the mountains and I thought I would live here for forever. But I didn’t stay more than a few months, and when I moved away, I thought I would never come back. A year later, at the end of 2019, we owned this house and it’s been my home for almost two years now.

    I really worked to get a novel published before I had kids, but it didn’t work out. I thought I wasn’t good enough to be a writer and that I failed. But years later, I went to a conference, surrounded by authors and people trying to write, and I realized that I didn’t fail because I wasn’t good enough. I failed because it wasn’t the right time for me yet, and I had more things to learn.

    The right people will be in your life at the right time. I have felt very much alone and I thought no one was there–but those times forced me to reach out to people who needed me. And then people came when I needed them to. I was led to people who I needed to connect with. I learned from others when I needed to learn those things.

    I still don’t know the timetable for many things in my life. Some things will be a lot slower than I want them to be. Some things might happen a lot quicker.

    But if I trust in the Lord, I can do His will.

    And His will is much more about becoming the person I need to be than just getting things done.

    There is no better time because it is your time. -Boyd K. Packer
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  • Running as fast as I can

    Running as fast as I can
    Kids running GIF

    I don’t like to run. I did track in junior high, and my best event was the 400 meter, which is a horrible event. You have to run fast and long. (It is slightly better than the 800 meter.) I wasn’t fast. And I don’t like going on long runs. The longest I have ever run is a 5k, and I did that once.

    But I do like to pile things onto my to-do list. I want to work on everything now. My current projects include finishing my inspirational self-help book, writing a new novel, writing a new inspirational self-help book, leading a writing group in my community, beta reading for another writer, building up my Instagram account, doing a writing workshop, and updating my blog. That’s just writing stuff. Then I am working to finish the Khan Academy calculus bc course, keep learning how to code in R better, and read nonfiction in the areas of rationality, philosophy, and economics, including finish reading that macroeconomic textbook because I didn’t do well in macroeconomics in college and it bothers me. I am also renovating a house, and today I painted the laundry room walls and flooring, and I need to put that room back together. I need to mud and tape my whole house and paint it. And I need to prune my apple tree and work on my yard, including taking care of my birds. I am trying to be a good neighbor and want to go visit others more. I volunteer at the school. And I need to keep my house clean, which includes dusting on occasion and doing a lot of laundry. I also am trying to touch my toes, do more push-ups, and drink 64 ounces of water every day.

    And I want to be a good mom, pay attention to my kids, teach them piano, and read with them. And I have a husband whom I really like.

    It’s sort of a lot. But not really. Because I don’t have to do all of that at once. I can only do one thing at a time, after all.

    Sometimes I need to simplify and slow down. But that doesn’t mean I need to give up on my goals–a lot of them can be pushed to later. I can prioritize by realizing what season of life I am in right now, and then being patient with myself when I can’t do everything right now, but I can do everything over time.

    Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you … but be diligent unto the end.

    Doctrine and Covenants 10:4

    I don’t need to remove things from my to do list for forever. Just for right now. I want to pace myself by not trying to do everything every day, but just a few most important things every day.

    Today, I’m not worrying about my novel, or my writing workshop, or reading my macroeconomics textbook. Those things can happen later. Today, I am focusing on working on my laundry room, finishing the draft of my inspirational self-help book, and taking care of my kids, one of whom has pink eye, and another one who threw up last night (but he’s fine now). I’m writing this blog post as they happily play with Duplos.

    In the evening, I’m going to watch one of my favorite TV shows with my husband and work on the Semantle and Nerdle puzzles for the day, because I don’t need to be productive all the time. But hopefully things like entertainment and spending time doing nothing on my computer can be minimal: because while I want to avoid running too fast, I do want to keep running instead of getting distracted and forgetting what direction I’m heading.

    Where are you running to? Are you going too fast? Do you need to pick up the pace a bit? What can be put off until later and what needs to happen right now?

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  • Elephant on my brain

    Elephant on my brain

    I hate the fact that I deal with mental health struggles. I want to just be fine. I want my brain to work well every day. And sometimes it does. Sometimes we really get along, and my brain can make decisions and respond appropriately and think clearly and regulate my emotions.

    But sometimes there is an elephant on my brain. It’s like my brain is squished up and heavy and no longer works quite right. I feel out of control and I find myself doing things that I know aren’t rational. I will yell and scream over things that aren’t a big deal. My brain will circle around in the same, irrational thought patterns as another part of my brain yells to stop thinking like that.

    I have a hard time regulating everything. I’ll go deeper down rabbit holes. I’ll lose track of time. I have a hard time focusing. I lose interest in everything. And sometimes, I feel like I’m disconnected with reality, as if I exist a little bit separate from it. Something is wrong and I doubt my own sanity. I know I’m not okay but I just want to be okay.

    I want to label it as depression, PMDD, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar–any label will do, really, and then by labeling it I can throw medication at it and make it go away.

    I have my tool box of mental health tools that I can use: Go outside. Exercise. Eat food. Drink water. Practice meditation. Do grounding techniques. Write. Get enough sleep. Cognitive restructuring and talking back to negative thoughts. Talk to other people. Routines. And medication does help.

    I try. But sometimes, no matter what I do, I’m not okay. And that is okay. Because I will come out of it, especially when I keep using my techniques and tools the best that I can.

    The elephant will move away. I’ll wake up and feel all of that weight off of me. Things will go back to normal.

    I keep trying the best that I can. And that is enough. I’ll be smiling again soon.

    Heather W. Hoyt
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  • Performing yourself

    Performing yourself

    I recently went to a writer’s conference, and I sat in quite a few panels and classes. At one panel, we were told all about figuring out your audience and being aware of them as you write and market a book. At the next panel, we were told to be ourselves and to not worry too much about what other people think.

    So do I write to an audience? Do I need to figure out who I am writing to? Do I need to change and tailor my words to fit into genre conventions?

    Or do I write what I find fascinating? Do I just put myself out there and see who wants to listen? Do I write trying to create art instead of trying to sell books?

    I don’t think I have answers to all of those questions. For a long time, I hated thinking about my audience. I just wrote. And to be honest, no one listened.

    I’ve been trying to write more, but I’m writing again because I want to connect with other people. I don’t write a story down just because it’s a good story. I write it because I want to share it.

    I can be myself, be genuine, and not really care what other people think. I don’t perform for an audience; but I do present myself to them.

    I don’t need to change who I am and what I write to fit into conventions and to satisfy an audience. I don’t want to write for others as much as I want to write to others, connecting with an audience who may be interested in what I have to say.

    Who is listening?

  • Life Lately

    Life Lately

    I wonder if I’ve been busy, but not really. I have things on my to-do list, but not many deadlines. I take my kids back and forth to activities–basketball, library, coding. My afternoons and evenings sometimes have more going on, but my mornings and afternoons can be empty.

    I finished coaching a basketball team with first and second graders. Their skill levels had a very large range: some of them were afraid of the ball; some of them could dribble down the court and make a layup on a fast break. In some ways, it was unfair to everyone, and yet we played anyway and I did my best to coach them, yelling from the sidelines. I both loved it and was very glad when it was over.

    I started a writing group and I’ve been meeting twice a week, and again, there is a very large range in skill levels and interest. I want to be encouraging, and yet I remember that when I was young and really wanted to be a writer, people encouraged me and I took it too far and became too confident in my own abilities. Where is the balance in telling someone that they are doing okay, but that they still need to improve a lot?

    We finished putting the drywall on our ceiling. We’ve had our ceiling open for such a long time. I thought it would make a big difference, but it turns out you don’t really look at your ceiling that often. I love all the progress we have made on our house. For so long, we were working on things behind walls. It’s good to be working on finishing those walls.

    So much of the work we do will never be seen, but it is still so necessary.

  • Encourage

    Encourage

    There will always be an endless list of stuff you can do better. But the most important things is small improvements and not giving up. If you don’t give up, you will succeed in life and you will be okay.

    You do not need anyone’s permission to value yourself. You do not need to satisfy any one else’s version of yourself. You are okay. You are okay in your own skin. You are okay to take time for yourself and to have slower moments in life. You are okay as you are right now, because you still do many good things and your efforts are not wasted.

    You could have always done something different that might have worked out better. You can say you should have done this or should have done that, but there is literally an endless list of things that may have been better if you did something differently. You did what you did. It is okay.

  • Distractions

    I get distracted easily and sometimes I have a hard time focusing on the right thing.

    But as I was sucked down rabbit holes and wasting my time the other day, I realized that I don’t need to stop getting distracted.

    Not getting distracted is not a good goal to have. Because I will get distracted. And then if my goal was to never get distracted, I feel guilty and miserable and I don’t want to do the right thing anymore.

    A better goal is to come back as soon as I can after I get distracted. To learn how to refocus myself and remember the task at hand. To close out of the rabbit holes and go back to work.

    I’m never going to be always focused. But when I find myself unfocused, I can let go of guilt and simply make the right choice in that moment.

  • I am not a problem.

    I am not a problem to be fixed.

    Life is not a problem to be fixed.

    I have been repeating those mantras to myself lately. Sometimes, I think of myself as broken and I want to fix myself. But I am not broken, and I don’t need to fix myself. I have problems and struggles–sometimes I get depressed. Sometimes I get distracted. Sometimes I don’t make great decisions. I may have problems and struggles, but I am not a problem or a struggle. I am a person, and for all my weakness, I also have strength.

    My life has many good things in it. It’s mostly good, really. I don’t want to change everything. I don’t need to fix my life–it’s not perfect, and I can work on making it a little bit better. But my life isn’t broken. My life is beautiful and wonderful.

  • Mistakes

    I hate making mistakes. But in a way, mistakes are really awesome.

    Sometimes accepting mistakes are the only way we get anything done in life. I have to make mistakes to learn how to do anything. If I’m going to play a piano song, I have to try it out and make mistakes. If I’m going to write a book, it’ll be filled with typos at first. If I’m going to build a house, there will simply be mistakes that happen.

    A lot of mistakes can simply be fixed. But sometimes they can’t be.

    There are mistakes I’ve made in my home renovation that are hidden and forgotten, but some of them I have to stare at every day and I can’t fix them. And some of the mistakes take a long time to fix.

    I mess up so often. But instead of viewing my mistakes as stupid and horrible, sometimes I need to realize that they mean that I am trying.

    If I say something awkward to someone, at least I said something. If my day doesn’t go according to plan, I least I had a plan.

    I’ll keep trying.

  • Feed My Sheep

    There we were in testimony meeting, and the speaker was talking about how he couldn’t understand how someone had lost belief in the church. And then there was talk about how good other people in the congregation were–that they were faithful and stalwart and admirable.

    It was not very helpful for those of us in the congregation who sometimes struggle with our faith. Sometimes I’m not always feeling like I want to go to church and worship. Sometimes I have doubts and questions.

    A lot of people are like that. And we want to feel accepted and loved and heard and understood, but instead, we are often met with the message that we aren’t good enough.

    There have been so many testimony meetings that I have sat through and people have praised their ward and the individuals in their ward, saying it is one of the best wards in the church.

    In every single ward, someone feels out of place and unaccepted. Someone has been hurt and offended. In many wards, people are unkind and don’t understand.

    It might feel like a really good ward if you have a lot of friends and people you get along with. It might feel comfortable if you don’t have many questions and you aren’t struggling with your faith. But that doesn’t mean everyone in the ward feels the same way you do.

    What about those people who don’t come, or don’t come often? Do they feel like outsiders? Do they feel welcomed? Do they have friends?

    It is easy to blame people for their lack of attendance or their lack of faith. It’s easy to say that it is their fault that they feel marginalized.

    But we can do better. Instead of boasting about how good we are, we can take some time to listen and try to understand those who are struggling.