Tag: life

The Emotion of Collective Intention

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Collective intentions make me cry sometimes, and I’m not sure why.

We often think about intentionality as individuals, but we can also form and execute intentions as groups as well. So individually, I intended to write this blog post. Most of the goals and the things that I do are my own individual intentions and choices.

But then sometimes . . .

I do things that are beyond just me. There are things that we have to do together. For example:

  • Sports. Not only playing the game but also cheering for a team. Or even things like running a race together.
  • Games. Board games, card games, other games that we do together.
  • Music and singing. I often accompany the organ and piano to people who are singing and creating music together. There are also concerts where everyone is singing along and creating something.
  • Family. We need to coordinate a lot, support each other, work towards common goals and values.
  • Conferences and classes. Listening together, asking questions, having those conversations.
  • Volunteer work. Helping out others as a collective group.
  • Some religious practice.
  • Political protest.

As a philosopher, I’ve studied collective intention a bit, but usually philosophers talk about the mind and agents and reasons and phenomenology and things like that. It gets sort of technical.

But my experience with collective intentionality is often incredibly emotional and perhaps aesthetic. I find it beautiful and moving. I end up crying sometimes, and I’m drawn to both participate in that collective intention, and to watch others do it.

I don’t think I’m alone. A lot of our entertainment is focused on watching collective intentions. Sports games. Parades. Music performances. Flash mobs. Not only is most entertainment a result of group intentions, but that collective intentionality is the thing that entertains us.

Collective intentions seem intertwined with art and beauty in some way. There is something incredibly moving about witnessing a group musical performance, and I feel more emotional watching group performances than watching an individual perform.

I’m not sure it is exactly aesthetic, or some other emotional experience.

Is it something more about function? Is it because we are social creatures? Are we somehow acting in some higher and more perfected way when we work together? Or maybe it’s about morality and sentiment? Feeling that this is the right thing?

I don’t know right now. But I do know that I seek out groups and group intentionality quite a lot. It’s a huge and important part of my life, and I am a happier person when I am not just doing my own thing, but I am intentionally working with others.

And the most moving, the most emotional experiences I’ve had in my life are almost all about groups of people, acting together. They seem really, really important, even if I don’t understand why.

Leaving and Staying

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I have great respect for personal experience and where that takes people.

Almost two decades ago, when I started college and I was barely an adult, I thought that I wanted to stay a republican and not become a democrat. I was worried that the influences at college might sway my political views. But my opinions and political views changed, for lots of reasons. I went to political meetings and found myself frustrated with the attitudes I found there. I cared more about compassion towards others, and listening more than shouting. I left. I am very glad that I did not stick with my naïve18-year-old views.

Sometimes we leave. Sometimes we stay.

Commitment is often really helpful: it helps us get through the hard moments. When we commit fully to a goal or value, that commitment can help get us through some tough decisions. I once committed not to eat desserts for a month, and that commitment led to some health benefits and a greater sense of self-mastery. We might commit to not check social media, or to get out of comfort zone, or go to bed early. We can also commit to values, like honesty, truth, and love. These are good commitments.

But commitment can be harmful too if it’s not fully informed or is not adaptable to needed change. I don’t want to commit to some sort of dogma that I later learn is flawed and problematic. And because there is lot I don’t know, I need to leave myself open for change.

When I started graduate school, I was again worried that school would change my beliefs. I wanted to commit to where I was at right then, to be able to stay in the exact same beliefs that I had. But that sort of commitment felt wrong to me, and I realized that I needed to have an open mind and let me experience change me. There is so much I don’t understand; so much I don’t know yet.

I am religious person, and my faith is important to me, but it’s changed and evolved a lot over my lifetime. I was a good girl when I was young, and I didn’t have many questions. I didn’t rebel, and I didn’t swear, and I always did what I should. But now I do have a lot of questions, and I feel more rebellious and sometimes I push the boundaries. It’s not a big change, but it’s there.

Somedays I felt like I was on the precipice of leaving or staying–I wasn’t quite sure what was next. I know of really good people who have made radical changes in their beliefs and their religion. Most of it is intensely personal and can be painful as well. When our identities shift and change, we can feel untethered, uncertain, unknown to ourselves.

But there was one day when I realized that I was no longer on that precipice anymore. That I was staying. Staying for now and maybe staying for forever. But I don’t know where the future will bring. I will keep changing throughout my life.

Knowledge and belief and commitment are an experience that is not always linear. Sometimes we leave and then come back. Sometimes we stay when we want to leave. Sometimes we leave and feel relief. Sometimes we stay and find peace. Sometimes we go through a lifetime of all of that in various areas of our life.

It’s okay to leave, if that is where your journey is taking you. It is also okay to stay.

Most of all, it is good to let your journey be your journey. And in that process, we also do not judge other people for where they are at. We can realize that we’re all just trying the best that we can.

Characters over plot

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When you write a novel, you have to get the characters down or the plot doesn’t matter at all. You can have a really awesome plot with great scenes and cool action sequences and whatever, but if you don’t make the reader care about your characters, your reader will hate the book.

But that is just art mimicking life. Because in life, the characters (people) matter a lot more than the plot.

A lot of times we are focused on plot. That’s what a to-do list is, really. The actions that you go through in life. Our goals our often focus on the plot of our life: what we do and where we go.

But who we are with is more important.

I often remember times in my life not by what I accomplished, but by the people that were there. Family and friendship simply matter more than aspirations and achievement.

Courage is better than confidence

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I’m currently teaching an in-person class. I’m new to teaching, and I’m doing the best that I can, but sometimes I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself. And that’s okay.

Because confidence isn’t particularly motivating. I can be very confident that I can do something, but still not want to do it at all. I can feel capable and skilled, but that doesn’t meant I get up and do it.

Courage can be what motivates me to actually do the thing.

Getting a PhD has taken a lot of courage. I had to apply, and I had to get letters of recommendation, and pick out a writing sample that I thought would be good enough. And now I submit to conferences and teach classes. I reach out to committee members, and I meet with my advisor regularly. I get harsh feedback sometimes, and I keep going.

But I don’t feel particularly good at any of this. I know I’m good enough to be here and do this thing, but I still have a lot to learn. I keep on growing.

Courage helps me in those days when I know I’m struggling, but that I go out and I try anyway. I have courage when I raise my hand to ask a question sometimes. When I meet a new person and have to engage in small talk. When I want to go home and crawl in bed and not face the things in front of me, but I instead get up and do my best.

If we wait until we are confident, then we don’t give ourselves the time and the space to learn. My best research is not when I figure it out on my own, but when I bring the beginning of an idea and share it with others. When I’m not confident, and I’m ready to learn and change, and I learn so much in that space.

So don’t seek out confidence. It will come when it’s ready, and it doesn’t ever need to be there at all. Instead, seek courage, to get up and try even when you don’t feel like it.

Life is Not Linear

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At some point in my life, I will have already completed my most important work. I will have had the happiest time.At some point, I will lose friends faster than I can make friends. I will have have been on top of the mountain and I only be able to go downwards.

And then what?

Life has many different seasons. It is not a linear progression upward, but a combination of lots of different things at lots of different times. We have seasons of productivity, success, and stability. But there other seasons of life: Rest. Decline. Struggle.

I get really frustrated with life when I want this linear progression upward. Every day better than the last. Every moment better, better, better. But it isn’t. That’s not how life works.

There are ups and down, but there are also things that are mixed up together, ups and downs at the same time.

I can be grateful for those moments that are really good, while also realized that I don’t have to keep chasing them. I can live in the season I am in, instead of just always wanting better.

The harder seasons are still really good. There are times when I’m not very productive, when I am behind, when I’m not really that happy. But that’s okay. There is still love in those seasons. There is still those small moments of joy, and it’s okay that they are small.

Life doesn’t have to progress upward in order for it to be good.

Home: The Safe Place

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My kids behave their absolute worst at home. So do I, when it comes down to it. We all yell and scream and cry. Home becomes a place where all those emotions come out.

It can be discouraging. I would like our home to be calm and clean and happy. But so often it feels like my home is full of garbage: Actual garbage. Emotional garbage. All those worst moments that I wish didn’t exist.

I think the wrong way to deal with this is to try to eliminate all those bad moments. Because those bad moments need to happen. We all need a place where we can behave without expectations for a moment.

And home can be that safe place. Home is the place where we can scream and cry and struggle. We put on a face everywhere else, and then at home we can totally relax and let all of the garage out, that garbage that we keep hidden.

It’s a really good thing that my kids behave badly at home. Because they feel safe there. They feel like they can.

Home becomes sacred because it houses all of us, not just the good bits.

Weight

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I recently finished a rough draft of a paper and sent it to my advisor. I had meant to finish that paper in the summer. Then school started, and I thought I should be able to finish it by the end of August. And then August ended, and I no longer had a deadline, just a heavy weight that I had not completed a draft yet.

I felt so behind, and I did not want to work on this paper. I was stuck. I felt guilty for my lack of progress. But I needed to work. So I decided I was just going to sit down and dictate it. I turned on the dictator, and I talked.

I had to stop talking midway through because I had kids coming home from school, but then I kept typing until I was 4,000 words in and I had a very messy word vomit rougher than rough draft.

The paper got a whole lot easier. I was able to go through and make that word vomit into something that actually resembled actual research and argumentation.

I still need to do more research (there is always more to read). I still need to improve my arguments. I still need to proofread and actually put in proper citations.

But I think I hated working on that paper not because I hated the subject material or the argument, but because it reminded me that I had disappointed myself. I had expectations that I didn’t meet.

When I finally finished what I had wanted to do for so long, the paper wasn’t so bad anymore.

I’m not sure what to do about that in the future.

Lower my expectations? But sometimes if I have high expectations, I can get a whole lot done.

Just get things done, so I’m not missing deadlines? This is the best case scenario. I’m always happier when I’m ahead of schedule instead of behind schedule.

Maybe have multiple deadlines in mind in the first place? I mean, the deadlines were my deadlines. The actual deadline for this paper is towards the end of October (for a final draft, not a rough draft), but I don’t necessarily get kicked out of graduate school if I miss that deadline. So maybe my own self-imposed deadlines need to have a different flair: I need to realized that sometimes I have overly optimistic deadlines, realistic deadlines, and life-gets-complicated deadlines. And set all of those different dates for myself, so that when I blow past the overly optimistic deadline, I don’t feel so much guilt.

Ups and Downs Summer

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Hello. It’s been a while.

Summer mornings creep in early with promises of sunshine and laughter. The sun creeps up early, ready to go and move. But by afternoon, the clouds have rolled in, and the thunder starts, and it randomly pours onto everything we’ve left outside in the promise of sunshine. By the evening, there is a glimmer of hope again as the clouds part enough for a beautiful sunset, but I am so tired.

I sometimes feel more like the thunder than the sunshine, though there are so many sunshine moments anyways.

This summer has been busy: I’m teaching an online class. I’m taking care of four children and lots of animals. I have yard work and a garden. And a garage addition (though I haven’t done that much with it).

And we like to go and do things: hiking, kayaking, canoeing, parks, splash pads, cousins, lemonade stands, museums, swimming, etc.

There is not enough time and too much time. And I am grateful for what time I do have, even through the ups and downs.

Connection over Mastery

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What is the most important part of your career?

I’ve read quite a few books about productivity that talk about concepts such as mastery and flow: how to deep focus and get more done. In my career, I want to write clear papers with good arguments and be an expert in certain subjects. I want to be able to present and publish and eventually finish a dissertation.

However, at the opposite end of whatever work you do, there is someone else.

So the point of productivity may not be about accomplishing something and becoming the expert–it’s about affecting others. Maybe productivity isn’t really about mastery and flow. Productivity can be about connection and relationships instead.

Love is so much more important than expertise. Think about being a parent: it doesn’t really matter if you are an expert on parenting. It matters more that you love your kids.

And maybe that’s applicable to more areas than we think it is. You can easily see how it would matter in something like teaching or social work.

But what about something like writing and design work or policy work? How can prioritizing love and relationships make a difference there?

It seems like when we are creating something we are aimed at this product. But the product does not exist in a vacuum. The product is used by people. And so every project and product is also part of a relationship, between the creator and the user.

It can be hard to see that connection, but I think it makes the products so much better if a creator can see the relationships that surround what they create.

Goals and Climbing Mountains

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A while ago, I joined the Proper Mountain Woman club for a season after a friend told me about it. My sister, Liz, also joined, and we had a lot of fun earning merit badges and completing and sharing projects. I did not continue membership in that club, though it was a fun experience. But Liz and I had both shared our progress with each other, and we wanted to continue to do so.

So Liz created a Discord server where we could continue to share the goals we had finished. We invited our other sisters as well. We do seasonal goals–winter, spring, summer, fall–with a few ranks that we can earn. You can get a rainbow rank for completing a goal in each category (spiritual, social, physical, intellectual, service, family, home and garden, career, nature, fun, food and finance, creative). Or a mountain rank for sharing 50 accomplishments and completing a large project. We also share ideas for different goals we can set.

This changed my life.

Since I was little, my dad would sit with me and we would set goals. I always loved to plan and set goals for myself, and I was fairly good at accomplishing them. I wasn’t the sort of person that would set New Year’s resolutions once a year and then forget about them completely. While I definitely fail at my goals sometimes, goal setting has helped me focus my life and spend my time in worthwhile pursuits.

But before, sometimes my goals were more of a to-do list that I just wanted to check off and forget. If you think of most to-do list apps, when you get something done, it disappears, checked off forever. Even in a to-do list, you often will scribble something out. This can be effective for certain things, like daily tasks. But it’s a bit discouraging when all you are looking at is the things that still need to get done, a list that never ends.

When I started reporting my goals to my sisters, though, I was doing the opposite.

I have a spreadsheet now that I track my seasonal goals with. I write down what I want to do in a season, and when I finish something, I literally highlight it in a bright color. And so whenever I’m planning, I already feel quite encouraged, and that gives me enthusiasm to do more.

Instead of crossing off my goals, I was highlighting sharing them. My focus changed from just getting stuff done to actually celebrating the thing that I was doing.

And it is so wonderful to share goals with other people, and have them share with you as well. It’s not at all about comparison, but about sharing and celebration. I love seeing what other people are accomplishing. It gives me added motivation. And I loved sharing projects with other people. It gives added meaning.

I think I am more proud of myself, and I mean that in a good way. I think there’s a negative version of pride, when we think we are better than others, but there is also a positive version, when we’re pleased with ourselves, when we know we are on the right track, and we feel more confident in our own abilities. There is a lot of satisfaction to know that you did something well–maybe not perfect, but good enough.

And I feel like I’m challenging myself better. Because it’s really hard to be completely self-motivated, to challenge yourself when no one sees the results. I have evidence now, evidence that I can share, that I am becoming a better person and do something meaningful with my life. And I see my sisters growing too. It’s powerful (and life-changing) to do it together.

TL;DR

  • Stop checking everything off your list and highlight accomplishments instead.
  • Find someone to share with: share your goals and the fun and good things you do with your life.
  • Count the stuff that you did that wasn’t in your to-do list in the first place.
  • Gamify your goals just a bit: have fun ranks that you can achieve.
  • Set goals about things you want to do, not just things you feel like you should.